The Secret Mission of Dogs

Last week my partner and I brought home Rufus. He's a 4-year old, 23 pound, purebred, AKC registered French Bulldog. Within days my heart had been melted and I loved that little guy more than anything else in the whole wide world. I realized that's the secret mission of every dog; melt their owners heart with unconditional love and affection. Some days he's an obstinate little gremlin, but I wouldn't have him any other way!

A dear friend sent a box of goodies for him from chewy.com. Inside was a stuffed unicorn toy that he absolutely loves and can't be without. Watching him tear into it is both comical and heart-warming. Click the video above and prepare for snuffles and grunts of cuteness. Be sure to turn up the volume!

Third Act Wisdom

“When I talk about figuring out my Third Act I'm not talking about making plans. I'm talking about being disciplined enough to learn what my past has to teach me, brave enough to take those lessons into my heart, to own them, and commit myself to doing what is necessary to make them a part of my future.”
— Jane Fonda, “My Life So Far”

The Awareness of Coffee

I was making the morning coffee and I suddenly had an overwhelming sensation. It was as if each step in making the coffee was its own plane I was moving through. I could see the ones behind and the one in front. It gave me a sudden sense of immediacy and hyper awareness. The task of making coffee itself became like something almost removed from time itself and there was a sort of organic or living joy to the task.

My friend Dan said I seemed to be adopting the mental attitude and existential meaning of the Japanese Tea Ceremony. I like that. 

Cheating at Cards and the Timeline of Self Awareness

I had the strangest dream last night about playing a card game called 21. Not the usual 21, though. This involved a random "20" card, almost like a wild Joker card. I was playing with a guy who was cheating. He'd stash the 20 card in his waistline and pull it out to win the hand just at the time when I thought I had him beat. I realized he was cheating when I noticed this enormous wet spot in his crotch. He had pissed himself. "He must really have a huge bladder," I thought to myself in the dream, because his pants were the heavy Carhartt canvas-like material that would be difficult to soak. In the dream I thought to myself he must be nervous about cheating at the card game, otherwise he wouldn't be wetting himself. In my typical fashion, I didn't say anything. I let go of the obvious thing that should be called out as unacceptable. I ignored it, as I always do, in order to not rock the boat or cause trouble. As the card cheating continued and he got more nervous about being discovered the wet spot got bigger and bigger from wetting himself. As his wet spot got bigger I became more frustrated. Not frustrated with his cheating but with my not saying anything. My actions in my dream mirrored my actions in my waking life. I never speak up. I always let things go. I'm always the one to "go along" with everyone else even it makes me unhappy. As long as everyone else is content, my misery, my silent unhappiness is a small price to pay. Waking up I wondered what could this dream mean? What does my personal behavior have to do with a man wetting his pants from cheating at cards?

As quickly as I asked myself the question the answer came to me. The man's growing wet spot was a symbolic "dream challenge" testing the limits of my ability to ignore things that make me unhappy. How long could I accept unacceptable situations sacrificing my own happiness in the process?

In that moment I could clearly see the path from never saying anything, afraid to upset anyone, to the frustration I feel with things. The connection was clear. Suddenly, I could pick out instances all throughout my life where I haven't stood up for my choices or opinions. It was all laid out before me like dots on a timeline. This particular thing in 1972, that incident in 1985, etc. And I could see the product of those dots, how I've arrived here at this present dot on the timeline. I was able not only to see, but also understand, how this has led to the smoldering frustration below the surface I feel most of the time It's been so constant and pervasive for so long I was unaware of it. I couldn't see the forest for the trees.

I've now gone through most of my morning with a new perspective and a sense of empowerment. My vow isn't to do away with this outmoded thinking in one stroke and replace it with some sparkling, brand new mentality. It will take time. Being more consciously aware of when these thoughts and feelings arise in me. Taking them individually, one at a time. Tackling it encounter by encounter, day by day. My happiness and sense of self expects nothing less.