A Life of Window Shopping

I've come to realize several times lately the notion of life being about possibilities. We're not locked in any way into the pigeon hole we've been told we must belong in. That's just conditioning.

One incident that really drove the point of possibilities home for me was when my ex-partner and I were condo shopping. The realtor for the seller was there, a handsome man, well-dressed, well-spoken, and obviously gay. He kept following me around the condo subtly cruising me doing his best to disguise it as being the attentive real estate agent. When we left a fantasy kept playing in my head. Had I been by myself I could've fucked him right there in that condo. The mad, passionate, animalistic fucking of two people who are unable to deny their lust for one another. Of course the likelihood of that ever happening is reserved only for pornography. What the fantasy did teach me though was about life's possibilities. I realized how I'd sealed myself off from possibilities. Taking chances. Being open to experiences. Being curious and excited to see what different avenues life can take you down.

I realized how I'd allowed the world to be put behind glass. Something to be seen and not touched. Not savored. Not experienced. Somehow I'd allowed my life to become all window shopping and no buying. Longing for the experience but never reaching out for it.

If we're not careful an entire lifetime can slip by us and all we've done is window shop. No thank you. 

Tapestry

"There are many parts of my youth that I'm not proud of. There were -- loose threads; untidy parts of me that I would like to remove. But when I -- pulled on one of those threads; it unraveled the tapestry of my life."

Eating

I just saw a commercial for Applebee's with the theme to Welcome Back Kotter basically welcoming people back to dining out. 

Two things immediately occurred to me.

Firstly, eating is a sport. We rarely eat with our bodies in mind. In genera we don't eat for healthy benefits.

Secondly, we've learned nothing from the last Year of COVID. Everyone and everything is trying to get back to how things were. We're not slowing down and cherishing the moment. We've either forgotten or ignored the lessons COVID had to teach us about self awareness and the rewards of introspection.

The Wealthy Fishman

The rich industrialist was horrified to find the fisherman lying beside his boat smoking a pipe.

"Why aren't you out fishing?" asked the industrialist. 

"Because I have caught enough fish for the day."

"Why don't you catch some more?"

"What would I do with them?"

"You could earn more money. Then you could have a motor fitted to your boat to go into deeper waters and catch more fish. Then you would have enough money to buy nylon nets. These would bring you more fish and more money. Soon you would have enough money to own two boats...maybe even a fleet of boats. Then you would be a rich man like me."

"What would I do then?"

"Then you could sit back and enjoy life."

"What do you think I'm doing now?"

From Timeless Simplicity by John Lane

The Thievery of Joy

Comparison truly is the thief of joy.

Through an odd set of circumstances, this morning I found out the salary of an old friend of mine I haven't seen in years. Now I have a very comfortable salary, but he makes, literally, over three times what I make. That's an obscene amount of money!

I immediately started comparing myself to him.
"He probably has a great house, and here I am living in an apartment."
"He probably drives a brand new car."
"How could I possibly feel good about myself if we were in each other's company." and on and on it went for about five minutes as I sank deeper into a "flash despair" the kind that comes on quickly and hits you hard. Right in the gut. 

Then in as quick a flash, I realized I'd slipped into that comparison trap again. I quickly lifted myself out it. I reminded myself that all the material things in the world can't replace honest joy, the kind that can only come from the inside. Is my friend happy with his life? I sure hope so. Am I happy with mine? Absolutely. When I stop laying everyone else's template over myself is when I'm reminded that happiness and joy truly are very intimate, inside jobs.