A Life of Window Shopping

I've come to realize several times lately the notion of life being about possibilities. We're not locked in any way into the pigeon hole we've been told we must belong in. That's just conditioning.

One incident that really drove the point of possibilities home for me was when my ex-partner and I were condo shopping. The realtor for the seller was there, a handsome man, well-dressed, well-spoken, and obviously gay. He kept following me around the condo subtly cruising me doing his best to disguise it as being the attentive real estate agent. When we left a fantasy kept playing in my head. Had I been by myself I could've fucked him right there in that condo. The mad, passionate, animalistic fucking of two people who are unable to deny their lust for one another. Of course the likelihood of that ever happening is reserved only for pornography. What the fantasy did teach me though was about life's possibilities. I realized how I'd sealed myself off from possibilities. Taking chances. Being open to experiences. Being curious and excited to see what different avenues life can take you down.

I realized how I'd allowed the world to be put behind glass. Something to be seen and not touched. Not savored. Not experienced. Somehow I'd allowed my life to become all window shopping and no buying. Longing for the experience but never reaching out for it.

If we're not careful an entire lifetime can slip by us and all we've done is window shop. No thank you. 

Perspectives and Pigeon Holes

I love the way a trip can give a person perspective. It's like a reverse microscope. The further one gets away from “life back home,” the details of that life come finer, more intricate, not fuzzier. One can see the individual parts of that life and how they all interact with one another.

That said, I’ve been feeling some anxiety lately. I'm starting nursing school in the fall of this year, and it's been causing a nebulous churning inside me. It’s an uneasiness I’ve been having difficulty identifying and getting my brain around. My recent weekend getaway to San Francisco helped me get perspective though, and I realized some things about myself that helped.

One, I’m a pigeon-holer. I like everything in its own neat, little, organized cubby hole. And if it’s not, that’s where anxiety takes root for me. Facets of a task or some aspect of my life just “hanging out there” unorganized or unassigned to some schedule or framework I’ve devised in my head makes me nervous. Two, I realized I’m not afraid of or nervous about tackling and comprehending the academic aspects of nursing school. I have no doubt or concern about that what so ever.

And there’s where the perspective comes in. Being away from my "home self" for a while, I was able to see my nebulous worry from afar which helped me to observe it objectively and identify its parts. The uneasiness wasn’t the academic challenges ahead. It was the almost impossible schedule I’d created in my head. I was so focused on the how of it all. I kept fretting over how will all the parts of my life (work, school, social, relationships, etc.) interact and fit together. I was so focused on that that I lost sight of appreciating the moment and staying present. My anxiety was stealing my joy and sense of accomplishments thus far in getting to where I'm at.

I realized I can only address what’s in front of me. The parts out of my control are just that, out of my control. The future can’t be organized or pigeon-holed. I can prepare for the future in the here and now, definitely. There is nothing wrong with that. I cannot, however, control my future. Coming to this revelation, understanding that and giving up the senseless frustration of trying to control the future was a revelation and another major step in my growth.