A few weeks ago I started having feelings that there has to be more. Living in the shadow of COVID, the current political climate, mass shootings everywhere, climate change, and now Monkey Pox has me hesitant about so much. I've had a good many opportunities lately that when I'm honest with myself don't really interest me. For instance, I've had the chance to meet some very interesting and nice guys, but I can't get my interest to rev up in genuine ways. I'm not really interested to meet anyone new and not much interested in even a casual FWB. I want to be, but deep down inside the spirit just isn't there. I see guys out there meeting, fucking, meeting, and fucking and I wish so much I could be like them. Yet with everything going on in the world, I can't figure out how to get past my spiritual wounds. I'm jealous and wary, and I don't want to be either. This leaves me with an emptiness, a feeling like there has to be more. This can't be all there is. What in the world does "it" all mean? I feel I'm searching for something and looking in the wrong places. I see so many going through life just going through the motions. They don't feel. They don't seem to be self-aware. It feels to me like they're all looking externally for satisfaction and happiness.
All this has made for a very strange yet eye-opening morning for me. I fully realize the world is changing dramatically on a global level and on a "personal world" level as well. I'm full aware of the changes occurring both externally and internally. Each day lately it seems I'm uncovering more about myself. Falsehoods I've spent a life believing and letting control me. People, places, and things I can do without. I'm fully aware that I'm in the midst of some type of spiritual culling. It leaves me feeling empty. I've created a void in doing this and now there's a hole that is asking to be filled. Not an addiction hole, but a spiritual one.
What I believed were some of my truths I'm discovering were not at all. They weren't solid and grounded. It was all false ideas conditioned into me either by myself or others. It is, however, a nice place to be right now. All at once it's exhilarating to be able to recognize and purge. It's also a little frightening to be out on this ledge, so to speak. It's also a little deflating and depressing, realizing the enormity of this massive reevaluation and reorganization. I have this sense of being left holding an empty bag again. I recognize that this can also be very positive. I get to choose how to fill the bag this time. The filling isn't dictated by anyone else. It's not conditioning I was raised to believe in. That's the where the empty feeling comes in. It borders on being directionless. I realize this moment can spin either positive or negative. I have to be self-aware enough about what's going on to make sure past beliefs and behaviors don't manifest in a different disguise. I can the bag with worthwhile things; mindfulness, meditation, more self-awareness, a deeper love of my essence and spirit and how that translates externally. More "adult" things that I can carry with confidence and pride from what is the wrapping up of my Second Act and into my Third.
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