The Loneliness of Meaning

Being an introvert and empath can be a lonely thing sometimes. I find myself now and then feeling lost, not knowing where to turn next or what to do next. Sometimes I feel that hole inside so strongly. Like this morning. I feel directionless. I feel so much of the gropingly desperate despair that's out there, all that forced adherence to what we as society have conditioned ourselves to. Right now it's all crowding in on me demanding my attention. I know what's fueling that, too, Suffice to say there are certain "empath triggers" that turn these deeper feelings of despair for humanity on, which in turn aggravates my introversion and empathic nature. Don't misuderstand, I enjoy being alone. I value my Me Time. Now and then, however it all seems desperate and well, pathetic. When I'm my dad's age, will I have spent my entire life alone? Will I have regrets about it? What will my life have meant? Will I have played it safe or will I have turned my back on conditioned society and gone my own way? Will it have been worth it? Today I honestly don't know the answer to those questions. I don't if there's even supposed be an answer. Probably not. The curiosity and pondering that seems to be inherent to humans is what really keeps us moving forward, isn't it? Perhaps I'm projecting in ways I don't need to. There's no need to ponder the future to the point of worry. Worry is a dividend paid to something that hasn't happened and may not. Fearful adherence, as I heard someone recently put it, is no good. But dammit, what does it all mean?!

Funny thing is, I know what the remedies for these times are. Writing, meditation, the gym, healthy eating, focusing on my conscious awareness, yoga, tai chi, or just great music filling up my living space. I've finally realized that in life the lessons never ends. It's an ongoing, lifelong thing. There is no destination, no arrival point, only stops along the way. I have to remember that. 

The Russian Nesting Dolls of Worrying What Others Think

Over the past year and a half I've been undergoing major changes and awakenings, embracing my better, truer, and happier self. This is a process that began about ten years ago. A process that I have come to understand as not one with a destination, but one that is an ongoing journey. In the various reading I do on and offline I always come across one point that makes every "How To Be Happier" list. That is: stop worrying about what others think of you. 

Easy to say. Easy to understand. Not so easy to do. I've always been aware of the people pleaser inside me. Someone so concerned with what everyone else wanted and needed. Someone so worried about what everyone else would think that I put my own desires and happinesses aside so they wouldn't be inconvenienced. Guess who was the one that always wound up unhappy and feeling unfulfilled? Through some deep introspection and rigorous honesty from the above mentioned journey, I know and understand where that desire comes from, and why I'm so concerned with what others think of me. That's a story for perhaps another posting, however.

What is important, and curious to me, is how deeply-rooted that worry about what others think of me was/is. It was easy to recognize the glaring, immediate ones. What if they don't like the dinner I prepared? What will people think of the sweater I'm wearing? What if he doesn't like the movie I suggested we see? Behind all of those questions was a fear of being rejected, not being liked, people being angry with me. 

As I progressed in my journey of self-discovery and understanding, I came across deeper, more subtle, and dare I say sneaky places where the fear of what others thought of me resided. Recently I decided to make a career change. I was burnt out and unhappy in my current field and wanted to move to something more fulfilling. Something more worthwhile. When I decided on what it would be I began taking college courses to fulfill my goal. All along, however, I felt a sheepishness, a sense of humiliation, an embarrassment about it. What would people think about me changing careers? He couldn't hack it in his current profession so he's running away. I worried what people would think if I took to long at the gym. Worried what my partner would think if I brought home the wrong kind of coffee creamer. Scared what people would think if I moved the date of a get together. It was constant and deep. I came to realize most everything I did had behind it the guilt and terror of what would people think. It was what I like to call the Russian Nesting Doll Syndrome. Open one and there's another. Open that one and there's another. Open that one and there's another still. And on and on it goes, never ending.

Each day I uncover some new area where I find my thinking has been subtly twisted by this fear of what others may think of me. It perplexes me and intrigues me. Its tentacles have reached almost every aspect of my life. The difference today is that I have stopped allowing myself to be hostage to that way of thinking. Recognition, understanding, and the ability to look into these places with honesty and openness, unafraid of what I will find strips these places of their hold on me. 

Quotes by two people come to mind. My friend Dan who says, "I can honestly say what other people think of me hasn't been a consideration of mine for years. Who cares? Many of them don't even know what to do with their own lives, let alone mine." And Eleanor Roosevelt so wisely advises, "You wouldn't worry so much about what others think of you if you realized how seldom they do." 

I must agree with those philosophies. With conscious effort, mindfulness, nonattachment, and an honest desire to find out more about myself, my journey will be an adventurous one for sure.