A Poverty of Stimulus

Yesterday and last night I was having cell phone trouble. I was able text intermittently but was unable to access the internet or use any of my internet-based apps and unable to make or receive phone calls. Oddly this happened only at home. When I was out and about the phone worked fine. To make the long story short, and after over TWO HOURS trying to fix the problem with my phone's cell service company, it seems the problem is external. They suspect there is something wrong with one of the towers in my area. That would explain why phone calls to and from my home location don’t work.

After that two-hour call I was frustrated. As the evening progressed that frustration began to grow. Not being able to have my drug, to get my fix, having my compulsion denied me started to become anger. There was a point where I literally had no idea what to do with myself. In that moment the realization of my dependence hit me. I'm an addict! A strange feeling of being severed from some sort of hive mind washed over me. All the “other voices” I had come to depend on to entertain and distract me; the apps, the games, the social media; random googling, losing myself down the YouTube rabbit hole had been suddenly silenced. A poverty of stimulus. I felt an odd sense of punishment. I'd been a bad boy somehow and Karma or the Cosmos had banned me from the amusement park. In short, I was jonesing.

It was an odd and very creepy sensation that sense of helplessness. The moment I realized I was in panic-anger-jonesing mode I also realized the moment was an opportunity. I backed away from it and got into my mindfulness mode. The place where I get quiet and recenter. "Removing" myself from the situation and turning inside to those places that calm me. I allowed myself to "return to the breath" as the saying goes. "I'm here. In this place. Right now. I have no say over what is external. I do have a say in how I react. Breathe in. Breathe out. I am here. I am now." This is how I put myself to sleep last night. "Your phone is a thing. It is external. It only affects me if I allow it to. Breathe in. Breathe out." I woke up this morning with a better understanding of my drug use. The choice is mine. I will be controlled only as much as I allow myself to be. I made the promise to myself and the commitment to devote more of my time to the things that give me more genuine pleasure and satisfaction; reading, walking, working out, cooking, time with my dog, etc. 

These are things that matter.

Idle Sunday Morning

I had a great morning walk with my dog, Rufus. The leaves were rustling in the breeze and I could hear Fall approaching. We came back inside and played some. Rufus was really into it this morning; dropping his favorite toy in front of me then trying to play keep away when I went to grab it. He ate breakfast and laid back down for a kingly snooze. I putzed in the kitchen with a recipe I've been wanting to make, Thai sticky coconut chicken rice. The apartment smells of delicious red curry, coconut, and chicken. As I puttered in the kitchen with the recipe I had some great jazz playing and John Coltrane’s My Little Brown Book came on. Perfect Idle Sunday Morning music! The point to all this? This has all given me an incredibly centered and present sense this morning. It's a delicious mindfulness to be immersed in today. 

The Speed of Life

Making coffee this morning I realized more than likely I have less years to live than years I've lived in my current city. That’s not some fatalistic, depressive thinking. It’s just a realization about how temporary and quick it all is. I really felt it in that way that a reality hits you some days. You find yourself so deeply anchored in the revelation of the moment. You are here and now in this thought.

We think seventy or eighty years is a long time but it’s not. This is why we must be so careful in how and what we fill our thinking with, how we spend our time and who we spend it with.

Nothing terrifies me more than getting to the final scene of Act 3 and be holding an empty bag.

The Storm of Distraction

I've recently experienced a personal setback. Some days it has left me panicked and angry. I wind up allowing then negativity in and within an hour I'm emotionally helpless, full of despair and lacking any confidence what so ever. However, when I change my setting (taking a walk, going and sitting in another room, etc.) I begin to emerge from those feelings. I've realized coming off those feelings is like driving in thunderstorm. I'm gripping the steering wheel and the adrenaline is pumping me full of fear and doubt. Suddenly I've driven out of the storm and everything is sunny and calm. I realize I was safe and being sensible and focused the entire time. I allowed the storm steal my confidence and take control. All the while I was centered the entire time. The base of my confidence was never taken away, I just let something distract me from relying on it and believing in it.

Sunrise Serenity

Sitting with my coffee in the early morning quiet. I can’t fully express just much I love this. It is the most centered and peaceful moment of the day. Watching out the window as the sun comes up I think it’s the time when the day still belongs to nature; we haven’t cluttered it up yet with our noise and nonsense. I actually feel like nature is allowing me to be a part of their morning. As my friend Dan says, "I love the early morning period before anyone else gets up. The day changes when they do." Indeed so. By 9am the secret of the early hours is over. For now though, I will simply cherish the moment and be humbled by my part in it.