The Weight of Glory

“We are always falling in love or quarreling, looking for jobs or fearing to lose them, getting ill and recovering, following public affairs. If we let ourselves, we shall always be waiting for some distraction or other to end before we can really get down to our work. The only people who achieve much are those who want knowledge so badly that they seek it while the conditions are still unfavorable. Favorable conditions never come.”
– C.S. Lewis, The Weight of Glory

Humility From the Tao

One on tip-toe cannot stand.

One astride cannot walk.

One who displays himself does not shine.

One who justifies himself has no glory.

One who boasts of his own ability has no merit.

One who parades his own success will not endure.

— Tao Te Ching, #24

You're Never Too Old To Miss Your Mom

"Trust me when I tell you, you never get too old to miss your mother."

— Rose Marie

At 94 years old, actress Rose Marie still missed her mother. I understand that feeling. All too well.

Two and a half years ago I lost my mother to complications from diabetes. My dad and I knew it was coming. After almost twenty years of surgeries, procedures, and adjusting to a life that was shrinking she was faced with the prospect of trying a surgery that had a one percent chance of success or going home. She chose to go home. "I'm done being poked, prodded, having needles stuck in me, parts being cut off, doctors, nurses, hospitals, machines, and procedures. I want to go home." And she did. She opted to cease all treatments and medications except for those that were necessary, daily insulin and medication to ease her pain. She chose dignity. And in the month and half that followed until she passed away, I got to spend some of the most intimate and loving time with her that I'd ever spent.

She was my Number One fan. She always knew exactly what to say to make me feel better. When I was little something as simple as one of her chocolate chip cookies could make everything right again. A hug was always the perfect balm for whatever was wrong. Sometimes she pissed me off to no end. But there was, of course as there is with any parent, squabbles, disagreements, and arguments. I can remember typical teenager fights. I knew everything and she didn't know a damn thing. Sometimes she drove me crazy. Sometimes I wanted to be anywhere but around her. And I wouldn't trade any of that anything in the world. When people say they wish they had just five minutes more, just to sit and talk about anything at all, I know exactly what they mean. What I wouldn't give for just five minutes more.

I made a habit of calling my mom every morning without fail, asking her how her day started and talking for as long as she wanted to talk. I kept her last voice mail message on my phone. Until one day when I accidentally erased it. I was distraught. I literally fell to pieces that day. The one last "live" piece of her I could keep was gone. I have pictures and cards and letters she wrote to me as her health declined, but nothing could replace that voice mail message. Nothing. What I wouldn't give for a undo command on my phone and get that back.

There are days when I just don't know how I'm going to get through the day without being able to talk to my mom. Some days the sense of loss is so strong I can't breathe and I feel like I'm suffocating. I call it the "emotional crater." In my emotions where she used to be is now a huge crater. It just sits there waiting for me. And every now and then, like today, I come up on that crater and I have to figure a way around it. Yet I know the best way isn't around it, it's through it. And even though I can't bear the thought of it, I take a step forward into it and muddle my way through it.

Sometimes I'm scared to keep moving forward, afraid to get too far away from the pain. If I stop feeling the pain, I'll stop remembering her. And I never, ever want to forget the wonderful lady that was my mom. So when Rose Marie says you're never too old to miss your mom, I say thank goodness. I never, ever want to stop missing my mom.

Challenging Yourself

Challenging yourself inside your comfort zone is not challenging yourself.

The Universe Body

What understanding does a subatomic particle like a muon, lepton, or quark have of the vastness of the human body it inhabits and its functions? We are the muons, leptons, and quarks of our Universe Body.

Being Angry At Anger

Incredibly wise words from my good friend Dan.

Early Morning

The hours between roughly 4 am and 9 am are my favorite. It is the most serene and tranquil part of the day. I get up and putz around my kitchen in the quiet darkness. I either turn on the coffeemaker or put water on to boil for the French Press. When the coffee is ready I sit quietly. It's just me alone with an uncluttered mind. The day's cacophony of junk hasn't invaded my space just yet. Sometimes I sit and just reflect, sometimes I watch where my mind wanders and enjoy the path, sometimes I read, or sometimes I write. In the wintertime I love to see the sun coming up and casting a bluish glow off o the snow and on to everything. Regardless of the season moving from darkness to the warm glow of sunrise is an intimacy that few take the time to appreciate. It's a very personal time that is a joy and a treasure.

Shinrin Yoku, Part 2

I just started reading this book my good friend Dan sent me. He knows me so well. It’s a fascinating look at how we not only need nature, but how nature and humans are equals. The Japanese concept of forest bathing is now being regarded as an integral part of our physical and spiritual balance. A fascinating and enlightening read!

Centered On Self

There is a huge difference between being centered on self 
and being self-centered.

The Machine of the Universe

I had a very nice "moment of presence" at the gym this morning. The sun was just beginning to peek over the building (my gym's windows face west), and it was shimmering on a huge tree at the end of the parking lot. Every leaf seemed bright and vivid and intensely alive. The music I was listening to on my iPhone was the album, "Om: The Primordial Sound".* It's very meditative and puts me in a nice relaxed and focused zone. At the very moment the music hit a dramatic spot a flock of birds careened in front of the patch of leaves I described above. They shimmered for a brief moment in the sunlight as well. In that nanosecond it almost felt as if I wasn't in the gym, but away and part of some larger whole. My place in it fit like some tooth in a gear meshing with the notches in another gear. A tiny but integral cog in the machine of the universe. It was one of those moments where everything falls away and it's just you and the experience. In that brief flash you know beyond a doubt you are an integral part of something much bigger. *I highly recommend this album. It can be found on iTunes for those interested.

The Best I Can

I've spent a good portion of my life being a people pleaser and a perfectionist. That's a whole other series of blog posts. I've always chased perfection and made sure everyone else was happy, even if it was at the sacrifice of my own. Perfection is an illusion that only brings misery. A friend described that mentality as "perfectionist despair." 

About a week ago in a conversation with my partner I stumbled on to the best prescription for avoiding perfectionist despair and help with being a people pleaser. It's not complicated. It's just this simple, I say to myself or to others, "I do the best I can in the best way I know how." 

It's just that simple. It's liberating. It frees me from my panic and desperation to be perfect and please everyone else but myself. 

I do the best I can in the best way I know how. 

Secrets to a Happy Life

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Top of the Mountains

"...I’ve been to the top of money, I’ve had all the sex that I’ve ever wanted, I’ve had all of the adoration, I’ve been to the top of all those material world mountains and nothing makes you happy other than being useful to others. That’s it. That’s the only thing that ever will satisfy that thing, is that what you’re doing is useful.”
– Will Smith

The Only Thing We Have To Fear...

"The only thing we have to fear is fear itself."

– Franklin Roosevelt

As I continue on my journey of personal discovery and growth, this phrase keeps coming back to me. It's ten simple words that I think are some of the most simple yet utterly profound. As I grow and learn more about myself the quote takes on different meanings.

For instance, place the emphasis on the word "fear."
"The only thing we have to fear is fear itself."

Now put the emphasis on the word "thing." "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself."

Now "we." "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself."

See what I mean?

I've learned that fear permeates practically everything if we let it. Fear is the ultimate paralyzer. It freezes us in place, whether that be trying a new entree at a restaurant, asking that person we've always thought was cute out on a date, or more tragically, staying in a miserable job because we fear rejection and change.

I've learned to identify my fear in a situation and label it as just that, fear. Once I do that I realize that it's not the thing or situation or person or event I fear. It's simply me letting fear hold me back.

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. Indeed. Thank you, Mr. Roosevelt.

Follow Your Bliss

Here's a conversation with Bill Moyers and the great Joseph Campbell. I listen to this every morning. I hope you enjoy it and find inspiration in it as I do. Click on the picture to follow
the link.

Dreamers of the Day

“All men dream: but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds wake in the day to find that it was vanity: but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act their dreams with open eyes, to make it possible.” 

– T.E. Lawrence

Perspectives and Pigeon Holes

I love the way a trip can give a person perspective. It's like a reverse microscope. The further one gets away from “life back home,” the details of that life come finer, more intricate, not fuzzier. One can see the individual parts of that life and how they all interact with one another.

That said, I’ve been feeling some anxiety lately. I'm starting nursing school in the fall of this year, and it's been causing a nebulous churning inside me. It’s an uneasiness I’ve been having difficulty identifying and getting my brain around. My recent weekend getaway to San Francisco helped me get perspective though, and I realized some things about myself that helped.

One, I’m a pigeon-holer. I like everything in its own neat, little, organized cubby hole. And if it’s not, that’s where anxiety takes root for me. Facets of a task or some aspect of my life just “hanging out there” unorganized or unassigned to some schedule or framework I’ve devised in my head makes me nervous. Two, I realized I’m not afraid of or nervous about tackling and comprehending the academic aspects of nursing school. I have no doubt or concern about that what so ever.

And there’s where the perspective comes in. Being away from my "home self" for a while, I was able to see my nebulous worry from afar which helped me to observe it objectively and identify its parts. The uneasiness wasn’t the academic challenges ahead. It was the almost impossible schedule I’d created in my head. I was so focused on the how of it all. I kept fretting over how will all the parts of my life (work, school, social, relationships, etc.) interact and fit together. I was so focused on that that I lost sight of appreciating the moment and staying present. My anxiety was stealing my joy and sense of accomplishments thus far in getting to where I'm at.

I realized I can only address what’s in front of me. The parts out of my control are just that, out of my control. The future can’t be organized or pigeon-holed. I can prepare for the future in the here and now, definitely. There is nothing wrong with that. I cannot, however, control my future. Coming to this revelation, understanding that and giving up the senseless frustration of trying to control the future was a revelation and another major step in my growth.

Shinrin-yoku

Shinrin-yoku is a Japanese term that means "taking in the forest atmosphere" or "forest bathing." The idea is simple: if a person simply visits a natural area and walks in a relaxed way there are calming, rejuvenating and restorative benefits to be achieved. Spending time yesterday in the Sequoia and California Redwood groves at San Francisco Botanical Garden certainly helped me understand Shinrin-yoku much better. The massive majesty of these trees was overpowering. Standing at the base and touching one I couldn’t help but feel an older more ancient kind of patience. A more unassuming and deeply rooted (pardon the pun (okay, maybe not?)) serenity in the quiet of the grove was thick in the air. The notion that these trees were silent sentinels watching over everything and I was connected to them in some way was inescapable and curiously reassuring.

Pasteries, Beaches, and French Roast

I just went and got pasteries for the morning breakfast, then took a walk on the beach. See picture for my exciting (at least to me!) beach finds. Now while everyone else is still sleeping, I’ve made a French press full of heavy, hard French roast coffee. I’m sitting in the quiet of the morning enjoying my beach treasures and my coffee realizing this is it. It’s simple, it’s quiet, and these little things and quiet moments connect me to the larger “it” that’s out there.

They Remain Rooted

Here is a meme I created of a poem by my lifelong friend, Dan Hagen. Enjoy! To view his posting of this, visit here.

If You Want To Eat Apples Stop Buying Oranges

I had a huge (at least to me) revelation at about 4-something this morning, that magic time when the mind isn't cluttered with the garbage of input from the day just yet. I’ve been getting frustrated with my goals lately. Then it hit me this morning. They’ve been misdirected. If you want to eat apples, stop buying oranges. That sounds pretty simple but it was a big reveal to me. I’ve been doing that with certain things.
Example: I’ve been wanting to lose some weight, but I haven’t been working out with weight loss in mind. Nor have I been eating with that in mind. So you can imagine the frustration with a goal in mind and the actions not being in line with that goal. It was a pretty liberating notion to come to.

It was a fascinating mindset that's carried me through the day so far and its "application" has been resonating with shocking clarity in several areas. It's making for a clarity and sense of purpose that doesn't center around that unconscious, sneaky people-pleasing mentality I struggle with. As selfish as it might sound this is all about me, my happiness, my presence, my mindfulness, and my serenity. Not the superficial kind, but the kind that you feel bubbling up from very deep places inside.

More to come...

Ruth Gordon

"Oh, there are a lot of lousy people in the world. Also, a lot of terrific people. You've gotta remember that, and you've got to move in the right circles. I have days where I just want everyone to go fuck themselves or walk off a cliff, but I only say that to myself, and I smile and I walk home and I have some tea, I talk to Garson [Kanin, her husband], I might take a nap. Then I wake up and I write, and in writing, I wipe away all the unpleasantness of the day, of the people, of the city, whatever. We have it in our power to overcome assholes, and I think we have them thrown into our path to see if we have the chops to handle them. Handle them."
— Ruth Gordon

Visualisation Is Everything

The Power of Words

A nice parable about the power of words as relayed by my friend Dan.

“Once a master was called to heal a sick child with a few words of prayer. A skeptic in the crowd observed it all and expressed doubts about such a superficial way of healing. The master turned to him and said, ‘You know nothing of these matters. You are an ignorant fool.’ The skeptic became very upset. He turned red and shook with anger. Before he could gather himself to reply, however, the master spoke again, asking, ‘When one word has the power to make you hot and angry, why should not another word have the power to heal?’”
— Jack Kornfield

Of Filaments and Networks

The image in red is a photo of a section of the universe. All the strands are billions of galaxies that have clumped together to form what are called "galactic filaments." The image in purple is a section of the neural network of the human brain. The similarity is inescapable and makes me stop and ponder everything. Does it you?

Presence of Peace, or Peace of Presence?

I'm having one of those absolutely wonderful moments. Work is done for the day, I didn't have any tv or radio on. I worked in powerful and calming silence. It was a hectic workday but I stayed present and at peace with myself all day. Now it's quiet and serene and I'm enjoying sitting here in my peace of presence.
To be present is one thing. To be at peace is another. To have them merging as one is bliss.

Stars In A Box

I had a dream last night that I was delivered a box. When I opened the box stars floated thick as glitter in the way helium-filled balloons would float up out of a box. The stars filled and illuminated the room. What could this mean?

Paul Chek

On a drive to Michigan this week I was catching up on my podcast listening. One podcast I listen to featured an interview with Paul Chek. I was instantly hooked on his message. A lot of what he was saying resonated deeply with me. He was putting the various threads of what I've been thinking and feeling together in a way I've been looking for.

His blog post on life in metaphor is phenomenal. Please visit the link I've included here for this particular post. 

Paul Chek: Your Life in Metaphor

And his entire blog can be found here:

Paul Chek's Blog

I hope you enjoy his writings and philosophies as much as I do. 

Namaste. 

Talking To My Body

I’m curious if anyone else here “talks” to their body as a form of mindfulness and/or meditation. I do this when doing things like sleeping, eating, working out, etc. When I’m falling asleep, I imagine the oxygen on its path through my respiratory system all the way down into each individual lung sac and alveoli. I “see” the oxygen coming in and being assimilated and the carbon dioxide coming out.

When I’m at the gym, my movements during a repetition are deliberate and focused. I “see” the oxygen rushing to each muscle fiber, the fiber’s elements performing their functions, contracting and relaxing. I “feel” their joy in being useful.

When I eat I picture the various elements in my digestive system (teeth, muscles, enzymes, bacteria, etc) breaking my food down into its useful components. I “watch” each molecule being delivered to the various parts of my body for use, knowing I’m providing nourishment and fuel.

Sometimes if I’ve felt illness coming on, I will sort of meditate and focus on the elements of my immune system, “watching” them seeking out the illness (cold virus, etc) and eliminating it.

As I’m doing these things I’m “talking” to my body, each muscle, organ, and even cell, telling them that we’re a kind of team. We all work together. I tell them I will give them what they want. I will help them be as useful as possible. I will help them feel the pleasure of being needed and purposeful.

I certainly don’t do this every single second of every activity, but I try to as much and as often as I can. I can say each activity I focus and “talk” to my body like this on gives me an incredibly deep sense of awareness, satisfaction, and pleasure. Sometimes I get the sense of my body thanking me for the attention and awareness of its needs.

Am I alone in this or do others do this to some varying degree? I’d be interested to hear.