Birthday Thoughts

Today is my birthday. I'm 59 today and so begins the last year of my 50s. I suppose it freaks some people out, but I welcome it. A friend said to me recently that his 50s is when he "got it" and I have to agree. My 50s were the final scene of Act II. Next year will be Act III, Scene 1 and I'm looking very forward to it.

Last year, and even more so this year, I’m discovering something about birthdays as I age. I don’t need to be feted with huge parties, enormous cakes, or showered with gifts. Like last year, I took the day off as a day to spend on some really good Me Time. I woke up early today to my usual 5a-5.30am coffee, I went to the gym, and came home to my furry companion Rufus. He's been extra attentive today and I can't help but think he knows today is something a little more special than all the other days. We took a great walk around the "Big Block" and I found myself more present and grateful than usual. My spirit is untroubled and unhurried. I’ll spend the remainder of the day reading, playing with the dog, and just appreciating being here. I've thought today about some of my friends who didn't make it this far. I can't help but feel a sense of responsibility to them. To live my life as fully as possible and for myself and for them. To let their spirit live vicariously in me. To keep them close in my thoughts and heart. As I age I'm more appreciative of these things. They're far more precious and rewarding than any physical gift I could receive. 

This entry's image was AI-generated.  

The Exercise of Spiritual Recentering

It's always amazing to me how much a trip to the gym can change my perspective. I've been feeling very hemmed in lately. Some of my friendships have become tiresome, my job has been frustrating, and in general my social life has seemed stagnant and stuck in a loop at best. That's just to name a few of things that feel dissatisfying lately. I realized yesterday that as I'm growing personally, some of my actions are stuck back in my old patterns of thinking and acting.  There's been a bored hopelessness that has crept into my everyday that has been difficult to snap out of. It's been a feeling of being trapped in a misery I can't escape and the resignation that life is always going to be this way; work and sleep, work and sleep. 

Enter my latest visit to the gym. On the treadmill this morning about 4 minutes into my 20-minute Fat Burn program I was flooded with a calm energy. The flow of endorphins created a deeper, more serene sense of "being" that came sharply into focus. The treadmills look west out floor-to-ceiling windows on the the parking lot and beyond that onto a large grove of trees. The morning was rainy and cold, but it was still the most spectacular view. Time and all the anxieties I was experience were being melted away. The endorphins were taking over. I was there in that timeless moment. My body was moving in a harmony of purpose greater than myself or the petty concerns that have been plaguing me. My brain was firing signals to my leg and arm muscles. All the muscle cells were responding with movement. I was literally walking my way out of the emotion and metaphysical trap I had been stuck in recently. All these things that were causing me anxiety and frustration were not how life had to be. There are choices I can make for myself. I can choose to remain frustrated and anxious. Or I can realize that on any journey there are course corrections that come along. I can recenter, refocus.  There is nothing that says I can't. I can use the loop I was stuck in to adjust course and add those lessons to my adjusted direction. In other words, those negative feelings can be teachers and guides. Nothing is static. Nothing is permanent. I can adjust and fine tune the journey any time I choose. 

Quantifying Workouts & the Human Machine

It's interesting to me how much we tend to quantify things at the gym. "How many reps should I do?" "How many minutes do I need to be on the treadmill?" "How many calories did I burn?" "How many pounds have I lost?" While the numbers do have a certain amount of importance, I find focusing too much on them takes something away from the experience.

Feeling my body moving and doing is exhilarating. Knowing all parts from the synapses firing in my brain and the fibers in my muscles making limbs move to the my heart pumping blood to provide more oxygen to my lungs and body is nothing short of miraculous.

So while it is important to keep track of one's progress, the “mindful workout," I try to practice, feeling ALL parts working in harmony, is incredible. It reminds me that I am a complex biological machine capable of infinite things.

The Mindful Biological Machine

Feeling my body at the gym this morning. moving with purpose and all parts working together is incredible. I like to call it my “mindful workout.” With binaural sounds in my headphones, feeling ALL parts; muscle cells, bones, ligaments, brain cells, synapses, nerve fibers, lungs, blood vessels, etc, all working in harmony is incredibly centering and humbling. I am an incredibly wonderful and complex biological machine capable of infinite things.

Fork in the Road

I'm at an interesting fork in the road here lately. I've become more keenly aware of old thinking being replaced by new, older age mentalities. What once seemed of paramount importance to me and the center of my dynamic is being replaced by something more gentle and serene.

As an example, men and sex. I see men at my gym that are simply beautiful. Some I could easily categorize as stunning. I'm becoming more aware of the sense that it's more rewarding to look and admire than to have. The simple, unfiltered beauty of them to me is like admiring a beautiful tree or sunset. I don't necessarily think about fucking them. In my maturing mind I somehow think it would tarnish the view if all there was about them was just another sexual conquest. As gay men (and maybe straight men, too?) we have this "fuck and conquer" mentality. We don't steal paintings we consider masterpieces. So why this need to fuck EVERY beautiful man you see? Sit back and enjoy the view. Relish in the ability to be aware enough to know this.

And that is the fork-in-the-road mentality I'm at. One direction is all about the conquest, more notches in the bedpost. And the other is the joy I get from knowing I'm an aware enough person to realize it.

More notches in the bedpost don't necessarily make for a very fulfilling life. It just makes for a weaker bed frame.

The Absurdity of Negative Thinking

The most absurd thought crossed my mind this morning. I’m usually on and working by 6.30am. I like getting up early and getting a jump on things before the emails and direct messages start pouring in.

I was at the gym this morning and wouldn't start work until probably 7.45. I got nervous thinking people would be drumming their fingers and thinking me irresponsible for not being there at 6.30 (a time when they’re not even online and working.)

I quickly identified the notion as absurd, wadded it up and tossed in the wastebasket of my psyche (something I'm getting much better at!) It’s interesting how so much of enlightened thinking isn’t so much about not having the thoughts as it is learning ways to manage them.

The Machine of the Universe

I had a very nice "moment of presence" at the gym this morning. The sun was just beginning to peek over the building (my gym's windows face west), and it was shimmering on a huge tree at the end of the parking lot. Every leaf seemed bright and vivid and intensely alive. The music I was listening to on my iPhone was the album, "Om: The Primordial Sound".* It's very meditative and puts me in a nice relaxed and focused zone. At the very moment the music hit a dramatic spot a flock of birds careened in front of the patch of leaves I described above. They shimmered for a brief moment in the sunlight as well. In that nanosecond it almost felt as if I wasn't in the gym, but away and part of some larger whole. My place in it fit like some tooth in a gear meshing with the notches in another gear. A tiny but integral cog in the machine of the universe. It was one of those moments where everything falls away and it's just you and the experience. In that brief flash you know beyond a doubt you are an integral part of something much bigger. *I highly recommend this album. It can be found on iTunes for those interested.