Mattering

I went to a birthday party last night. I had a couple cocktails, a gummy, saw lots of friends, sang happy birthday, and ate some really good food. You know what though? There’s a lot of the evening I feel I’ve outgrown. Yes, it was fun but being home comfortable and safe in my space would have been just as fun.

There are a good many things I find infinitely fulfilling; taking a walk, reading, listening to music, enjoying the companionship of my dog, the list goes on. These things touch a place in me where meaning and purpose flow from. I feel these things resonate there, spill out, and flood my essence. It anchors me in the moment with a deep, mindful, and self-aware joy. I’m not certain many others, if any, at that party last night feel or could understand that. The problems and frustrations of the day are all temporary matters. They are not constructions of the universe. They are complications we've designed to help us feel like we matter. The thing is we already do. Most don't slow down long enough to feel it all welling up from within themselves.

Moving through life aware of my own finiteness comforts me. I know the day will come when I cease to be and I will return from where I came. Knowing that as tiny as I am in the cosmos I played a part and I mattered. It wasn't my credit score, how much debt I amassed, what kind of car I drove, how big my house was, or how much money I had in my checking account. When the time comes it will be that I was self-aware enough to know simply being here mattered.

Birthday Thoughts

Today is my birthday. I'm 59 today and so begins the last year of my 50s. I suppose it freaks some people out, but I welcome it. A friend said to me recently that his 50s is when he "got it" and I have to agree. My 50s were the final scene of Act II. Next year will be Act III, Scene 1 and I'm looking very forward to it.

Last year, and even more so this year, I’m discovering something about birthdays as I age. I don’t need to be feted with huge parties, enormous cakes, or showered with gifts. Like last year, I took the day off as a day to spend on some really good Me Time. I woke up early today to my usual 5a-5.30am coffee, I went to the gym, and came home to my furry companion Rufus. He's been extra attentive today and I can't help but think he knows today is something a little more special than all the other days. We took a great walk around the "Big Block" and I found myself more present and grateful than usual. My spirit is untroubled and unhurried. I’ll spend the remainder of the day reading, playing with the dog, and just appreciating being here. I've thought today about some of my friends who didn't make it this far. I can't help but feel a sense of responsibility to them. To live my life as fully as possible and for myself and for them. To let their spirit live vicariously in me. To keep them close in my thoughts and heart. As I age I'm more appreciative of these things. They're far more precious and rewarding than any physical gift I could receive. 

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Mom, Birthdays, Memories, and Life Lessons

Today is my mom's birthday. She would be 77 years old today. There's not a day that goes by that I don't miss my mom. I was afraid at first to get back to living life after she passed away 3 years ago. I thought somehow I was betraying her memory and her end-of-life struggles if I was living my life and making the most of it. With time that notion faded, but it will always be with me.

There are days where I come up on what I call the "Emotional Crater." It's the gaping hole that the loss of a loved one leaves in your life. I imagine it to be like a mowing the lawn. Strange as this may sound it makes sense to me. Before, the lawn was smooth and even. No bumps, no holes, no obstacles to getting the lawn mowed. After, there's a huge crater smack-dab in the middle of the lawn. Now you have to figure a way to incorporate that hole into your every day task of mowing. It's inconvenient, it slows you down sometimes, and it can be down right irritating. But you keep going on with your task. You learn to live with the hole, because ignoring it won't make it go away.

In life my mom taught me so many life lessons that can't have a value placed on them. And in death she taught me life lessons I will carry with me the rest of my days as well. My mom was looking at a surgical procedure that had, at best, a 2 percent chance of success. At that point she had spent the last 5 to 10 years weathering the stress and strain of various procedures to help improve her condition. By  then she was tired. She just didn't want the pain and struggle anymore. She turned to my dad and said she was tired and she wanted to go home. Whether it was home for a day, a week, a month, or some undetermined amount of time, she just wanted to go home. She wanted to be surrounded by family and friends without machines, doctors, nurses, procedures, or being poked, prodded, or cut on anymore. My mom's last 2 months were filled with dignity. She dictated to death how she had decided she was going to go. Death was not going to have the final say in her life. So in her final days she was completely free and liberated to live exactly how she wanted to live. That's a life lesson she taught me without knowing it that I will never forget. Her bravery, acceptance, and serenity with the end of her life was a kind of unique strength and faith I don't know if many could embrace.

So Happy Birthday to you, Mom Thank you for always loving me unconditionally and always teaching me how to live life in the fullest way possible. You were and are the best mother a guy could ever ask for.