Today is my mom's birthday. She would be 77 years old today. There's not a day that goes by that I don't miss my mom. I was afraid at first to get back to living life after she passed away 3 years ago. I thought somehow I was betraying her memory and her end-of-life struggles if I was living my life and making the most of it. With time that notion faded, but it will always be with me.
There are days where I come up on what I call the "Emotional Crater." It's the gaping hole that the loss of a loved one leaves in your life. I imagine it to be like a mowing the lawn. Strange as this may sound it makes sense to me. Before, the lawn was smooth and even. No bumps, no holes, no obstacles to getting the lawn mowed. After, there's a huge crater smack-dab in the middle of the lawn. Now you have to figure a way to incorporate that hole into your every day task of mowing. It's inconvenient, it slows you down sometimes, and it can be down right irritating. But you keep going on with your task. You learn to live with the hole, because ignoring it won't make it go away.
In life my mom taught me so many life lessons that can't have a value placed on them. And in death she taught me life lessons I will carry with me the rest of my days as well. My mom was looking at a surgical procedure that had, at best, a 2 percent chance of success. At that point she had spent the last 5 to 10 years weathering the stress and strain of various procedures to help improve her condition. By then she was tired. She just didn't want the pain and struggle anymore. She turned to my dad and said she was tired and she wanted to go home. Whether it was home for a day, a week, a month, or some undetermined amount of time, she just wanted to go home. She wanted to be surrounded by family and friends without machines, doctors, nurses, procedures, or being poked, prodded, or cut on anymore. My mom's last 2 months were filled with dignity. She dictated to death how she had decided she was going to go. Death was not going to have the final say in her life. So in her final days she was completely free and liberated to live exactly how she wanted to live. That's a life lesson she taught me without knowing it that I will never forget. Her bravery, acceptance, and serenity with the end of her life was a kind of unique strength and faith I don't know if many could embrace.
So Happy Birthday to you, Mom Thank you for always loving me unconditionally and always teaching me how to live life in the fullest way possible. You were and are the best mother a guy could ever ask for.
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