Deeper Meaning in the New Year

On these first few days of 2024 I'm being flooded with all sorts of different emotions. I can be sad one moment then hopeful the next. Through it all there's a sense of a deeper self trying to touch something. Something "more," something more deeply meaningful. It feels like something I've been in communion with before but my current self has lost its way from it and is trying to return to it. I get the sense that whatever this "it" is, it's expansive. I can at moments feel myself a part of it. In a flash of an instant I can feel myself everywhere and part of everything. 

I went to a friend's house for a small New Year's Eve gathering, but I'm feeling unfulfilled from the experience. I felt as if I belonged somewhere else that night. Marking the passage into another year feels like something that should be done outdoors beneath the expanse of the sky and the Universe. Noisemakers, funny hats, and glasses of champagne feel trivial and insulting to what the moment truly means and is. Somehow it seems cheapened by the way we celebrate it. When I imagine celebrating I picture myself alone on a beach or in an open field being one with my surroundings. The sky and nature spread before me, offering itself to me as I am to it.  

There is something more I'm meant for. I feel it as true as anything in my heart and soul. I don't have very long on this planet. None of us do. I need to connect and find the deeper thing or things I'm trying to connect to. I don't know what "it" is, but I know it's there. I feel it calling me through my kenshō moments, the dream snippets I have that take me other places, and the flashes I have of being someone totally different in scenarios I know I've not experienced as the person I am now. I've come to believe that a lot of my actions are me trying to get there, but the actions are misdirected. I've been using the wrong things to accomplish the right goals. 

Interestingly, this all comes back yet again to the strange yet comforting feeling of a need to pull away from certain people, places, and things (PPTs) even more. I can feel my deeper, inner self wanting for something “more.” Some more meaningful thing that the “superficial” world can’t provide. An almost indescribable feeling of my inner essence self needing to commune more deeply with the authentic and shun the superficial. I sense it to be some sort of larger current I should be swimming in that has larger and deeper harmonies. It’s almost clear in flashes of understanding that some activities of my past (drinking, smoking, sex, indulging in food, etc, etc) were attempts of the “surface self” to capture that harmony. These, as my friend Dan says are nothing more than red herrings. Incorrect activities for the correct sensation, so to speak. 

As he has said, "I think when we're in a heightened state of awareness, we are especially susceptible to the negative influences of others. We need to keep our distance." He is so correct and I would add "other things" to that statement as well. I think being more of an empath than the average person is what causes some of that. I see under the surface of things much more than most people. I don’t just skim the surface like they do. I can "feel" the more, and that's what calls me. 

I'm finding more and more anything that stimulates my brain, the endorphins, or other "feel good" hormones is worth the effort. That excludes things like drugs and alcohol of course. Those are false arousals of the mind. They do more damage than the temporary euphoria most mistake for the real thing. My friend Dan refers to them as "wonders inisde." An interesting and most accurate phrase. I find the internal journeys are much more fun. Sleep and dreams are good examples. Some evenings I can't wait to get to bed so I can start dreaming. And moving throughout the next day with the influence of those dreams on my mood and outlook feels incredible. It's like I've been able to shed the skin of mundane traps of an everyday, ho hum existence and walk within a new, deeper perspective that nourishes my deepest inner self. 

Maybe that's what this is exactly all about. Finding clarity of mind more stimulating than anything else. Putting my mind to work in true and meaningful ways it enjoys. 

This entry's image was AI-generated.  

Fear Itself

A thought popped into my head at the gym this morning. “Stop being afraid of things you’re not willing to work on.”

I’m always surprised when I look closer at a situation, thing, etc, that's causing me some hesitation. It’s never fear of the thing itself holding me back. It’s the fear of it, the notion of fear I’ve twisted up in my head. I manage sometimes to pervert that fear into a critique on my being. If I was more _______ I wouldn’t be holding myself back (ie, if I was better or perfect.) Catching the thoughts is now the most fascinating part. Seeing how deeply that thought pattern is engrained in me is intriguing. How long ago was that seed of self-doubt placed in me? What was the incident that caused it? 

As a friend said when I told him all this, "I'm some ways, I'm more afraid of being afraid than I am of the thing itself. I'm afraid of the emotional state I'll find myself in, and yet ironically THAT is within my control."

It's like FDR said about the only thing to fear is the fear itself, not the thing causing the fear. For me I imagine my fear as a wadded up, used Brillo pad. It’s all scratchy looking and full of gunk. I picture it laying in a counter and I’m staring at it. Doing that helps me separate from my irrational thinking (fear) and helps put it in its place or in its context. If I can see it as being outside of me, like the Brillo pad, that helps me get my brain around it and alleviate its hold on me. 

Understanding Holes

As I get older (56 and proud here!) I find myself pulling away from certain people, places, and things I always thought were so important and an integral part of me. I've learned they're nothing of the sort. 

In doing so I find myself with a weird sense of loneliness sometime. A few days ago for instance, I was restless-lonely. I didn't want to be around anyone, but didn't want to be by myself. It’s a strange sensation that is neither melancholy nor regret. It’s lots of emotions sort of rolled into one. I've gotten frustrated trying to figure the feeling out and then on an evening dog walk it hit me. 

It wasn’t a sadness from jettisoning a person from my life or eliminating a place or thing. It was a hole, a vacant spot in my life where that thing used to be. It’s bumping up against the time spent with it. I was having a brief moment of not knowing what to do with that hole of vacant time. 

Realizing that, I can see it as a space for opportunity. I get to read more. I can spend more time cooking (moving more toward a vegan diet, but more about that in a later blog post), visiting that coffee house I've never been to, writing here, meditating, investigating that new hobby, or working out. The possibilities are endless. All it took was a good, reflective walk with Rufus. If we all took the time and courage to pivot our point of view just a bit, we'd discover how much time we waste on meaningless things and how much is out there just waiting for us. 

Voices of Dissent

As I move closer to my goal of a new career I've noticed something. The more I succeed the louder and more intense are the voices of the naysayers. You know, those people who would never have the guts to try and do what I'm doing. Those people who are so afraid to look at their own lives, but have no problem looking at mine and criticizing it.
It's taken me a long time, a good deal of soul-searching, and courage to stop listening to those people. And I'm so much better for it.