In the last six months or so, I've found myself becoming more self-aware than ever, shedding what I call the PPTs (People, Places, and Things) that have been a central part of what I now refer to as the old me. I've felt myself becoming more tuned into my being's desire and need to pull away from all the gunky conditioning that's been cluttering my existence. With each day it becomes more clear how deeply I've been trapped by my people-pleasing mentality that's an integral part of my conditioning. It's taken me almost a decade of diligent work with a therapist and sincere attention to the things that get exposed by it. A decade sounds like a long time, but I believe once recognized, these things don’t get undone in a day, a month, or even a year. The amount of time it takes to begin being consciously aware of the unconscious thinking and behavior is far less than the time it took for that thinking and behavior to become rooted in me. As I continue to wake up from the deep sleep of my conditioning sometimes I'm filled with an anxiousness. Recognizing how deeply my absolute being has been molded by the five decades of conditioning fills me with a sense of immediacy. One hundred and eighty degree changes must happen NOW! I've spent so many years trapped in approval seeking that it feels like time is of the essence. I know, of course, that this is not true. Reversal of this thinking and embracing my self-awareness takes time. It's a journey not a destination.
We aren't meant to exist only in the conditioning of our upbringing. We aren't meant to exist only within the limitations of our parents. The ideas they have for us are limited to their own range of sight, and that's based on their upbringing and their parents range of sight, and so on and so on. The conditioning goes back generations. Our unconscious perception of ourselves is formed by generations of conditioning. We are not them. I am not them.
The biggest aspect of this notion is hearing the voice of my parents in my head. From one parent it's the voice of failure. "Why do you only have that much money left over after paying all your bills?" "Why didn't you get an A instead of a B on that test?" "Why couldn't you..." "Why didn't you...," and on and on and on. I provide for myself financially just fine, yet in the back of my mind I always here that parent criticizing me. This parent means well. This parent's intentions are to inspire me to always do my best. At 58 I finally get that. But growing up when that parent's words come across in a harsh and brutal tone, the 10-year old me doesn't understand that. When that parent is barking at you to stop crying (and you're crying because of the way they've just barked at you for something) you only cry more. An impossible loop for a 10-year old to escape. When you're playing little league baseball you're afraid to swing at a pitch for fear that you'll miss and that parent will yell at you. So you don't swing at all and get yelled at just the same. Damned if you do, damned if you don't. So from the get-go half of my thinking was "failure," "disappointment," "loser," and a overwhelming sense of apology for simply being human. This parent grew up in a physically abusive household; parents beating each other up, father beating up sons, mother slapping daughters. Knowing how this parent grew up and what kind of conditioning there was in that household helps me understand that parent better now. I can empathize. I can cut this parent some slack for my conditioning. It was never done to harm me. This parent simply didn't know any better.
The other parent was a people pleaser. Terrified of not making everyone happy, except themselves. If everyone is happy, pleased, and satisfied, but that parent is sitting in misery, it was all worth it. That was this parent's thinking. This parent instilled in me the notion to always please. Always be available. Always do just a little more. Always at your own expense of course. This parent grew up in an emotionally abusive household. This parent told me a story of being badgered by their mother one Christmas to tell her what the present was under the tree (my parent knew and was sworn to secrecy.) My grandmother finally wore her child down and this parent of mine told her what was in the package. My grandmother immediately said, "Now you've ruined my Christmas." She had no idea what that does to a child. She had no idea what kind of hurt and psychological damage that causes. As a boy, teen, and adult I saw this over and over. My grandmother would treat my parent with such psychological cruelty. She actually told my parent once that, "You'd be happier if you weren't so fat." So, this parent took on the role of people pleaser. Make everyone happy. Be the ultimate provider, and if you don't, you're a failure. This kind of conditioning is exactly why this parent of mine struggled with weight. This parent's weight problem was clearly an outward manifestation of inner, psychological pain. This lead to health issues, mainly diabetes, which was this parent's ultimate demise. The people-pleasing thinking and behavior of my past is a direct, unconscious conditioning by this parent. That is perfectly clear to me now.
I can see my thinking and way of behaving as a timeline. I can identify now specific dots on the timeline, moments or incidents that changed or molded my thinking, and as the saying goes, knowing is half the battle. It takes courage and ego strength to turn around from the forward path and look behind us. To look honestly as what kind of wind is filling our sails. A good deal of things we see and what gets exposed when we look are things we'd rather not face or admit to. Some people can face those things easily, some it takes conscious effort, and others never find the strength to do so. I feel sorry for those who never find the strength to do so. For me, the awakening self I described initially, I understand now. I have empathy now. I can forgive now. I can grow away from that horrendous conditioning how. Some of it is beyond horrendous, some of it mildly disturbing. And I should say that not all of it is bad. I can recount just as many wonderful, loving moments as well. All of it has made me who I am.
I've made my peace with the bad and embraced the good. And it's all okay.
