Birthday Thoughts

Today is my birthday. I'm 59 today and so begins the last year of my 50s. I suppose it freaks some people out, but I welcome it. A friend said to me recently that his 50s is when he "got it" and I have to agree. My 50s were the final scene of Act II. Next year will be Act III, Scene 1 and I'm looking very forward to it.

Last year, and even more so this year, I’m discovering something about birthdays as I age. I don’t need to be feted with huge parties, enormous cakes, or showered with gifts. Like last year, I took the day off as a day to spend on some really good Me Time. I woke up early today to my usual 5a-5.30am coffee, I went to the gym, and came home to my furry companion Rufus. He's been extra attentive today and I can't help but think he knows today is something a little more special than all the other days. We took a great walk around the "Big Block" and I found myself more present and grateful than usual. My spirit is untroubled and unhurried. I’ll spend the remainder of the day reading, playing with the dog, and just appreciating being here. I've thought today about some of my friends who didn't make it this far. I can't help but feel a sense of responsibility to them. To live my life as fully as possible and for myself and for them. To let their spirit live vicariously in me. To keep them close in my thoughts and heart. As I age I'm more appreciative of these things. They're far more precious and rewarding than any physical gift I could receive. 

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A Tide in the Affairs of Men

 

The Richness of Simplicity

Anyone who knows me knows this is so me. Simple things and simple pleasures, they make life so incredibly rich. It's the stuff that really matters.

The Mindfulness of the Wrong Shoes

I just had a good lesson in mindfulness, the Snowball Effect, compartmentalization, and gratitude.

I ordered a cool pair of shoes about a month ago and my normal shoe size wasn’t right for these shoes. I need two sizes bigger for a proper fit. I immediately sank into an all-encompassing despair that went from, “Damn. The wrong size!" to "Why can’t anything ever work out right for me?!” and the image of me as an old man living in some broken down apartment looking back on a life filled with bitter regret and missed opportunities. Funny, huh? 

For starters, I immediately realized I’m grateful for that moment. It reminded me that mindfulness is not about perfection. Nor is it any sort of acceptance of struggle, putting a smiley face on unhappiness. One can be the most mindful, calm, and accepting person in the world and it’s still okay to be upset and disappointed sometimes. Even about the size of a pair of shoes. It doesn’t mean I’m less mindful or I’ve failed some cosmic test of temperament. "Oops. You got mad about something trivial. You should've known better! We're going to have to take your Mindfulness Merit Badge away." It means I’m human, just like everyone else.

Second, the wrong shoes has absolutely nothing to do with the rest of my life. They are not partners out to "get me." The wrong shoe size isn't an omen for the rest of my existence. The wrong size shoes doesn't mean a lonely and bitter Third Act. That’s all internal programming from the past. It’s that record the ego puts on the turntable any chance it gets to play the same song over and over. It's the ego's way of tricking me to staying in place, right where it wants me.

Which brings me to the gratitude part. In the midst of a deadly pandemic I’m losing my shit over a pair of shoes?! There are people in hospital rooms in this COVID crisis fighting for every breath alone with no family to hold their hand, no spouse to comfort them in their final moments, and I'm complaining about shoes. How dare I. There are families in this crisis who don't know where their next meal will come from or how they're going to survive. Literally. I need to remember this. I need to be quiet and be still. I need to keep this lesson close and remember it as I move step by mindful step forward in a humble and grateful fashion.