Fork in the Road

I'm at an interesting fork in the road here lately. I've become more keenly aware of old thinking being replaced by new, older age mentalities. What once seemed of paramount importance to me and the center of my dynamic is being replaced by something more gentle and serene.

As an example, men and sex. I see men at my gym that are simply beautiful. Some I could easily categorize as stunning. I'm becoming more aware of the sense that it's more rewarding to look and admire than to have. The simple, unfiltered beauty of them to me is like admiring a beautiful tree or sunset. I don't necessarily think about fucking them. In my maturing mind I somehow think it would tarnish the view if all there was about them was just another sexual conquest. As gay men (and maybe straight men, too?) we have this "fuck and conquer" mentality. We don't steal paintings we consider masterpieces. So why this need to fuck EVERY beautiful man you see? Sit back and enjoy the view. Relish in the ability to be aware enough to know this.

And that is the fork-in-the-road mentality I'm at. One direction is all about the conquest, more notches in the bedpost. And the other is the joy I get from knowing I'm an aware enough person to realize it.

More notches in the bedpost don't necessarily make for a very fulfilling life. It just makes for a weaker bed frame.

How Do I Get To Carnegie Hall?

We've all heard that timeless joke, haven't we? There are those, however, who are under the delusion that some things don't need practice. They just happen without effort. We wouldn't be expected to sit down and produce a masterpiece the first time we try painting would we? Of course not. And no one's expecting us to play a Mozart piano piece like a virtuoso on the first try, are they? Nope. Just like getting to Carnegie Hall, these things take practice.

And it's no different with mindfulness. It's not something we breathe in or gain by osmosis. To achieve mindfulness we need to practice. A case in point, I found myself today dealing with a situation that was running me through all sorts of emotions. Anxiousness. Embarrassment. Despair. Elation. Hope, and at times a sense of helplessness. Then it hit me. I wasn't accepting these emotions, I was railing against them with gritted teeth and a heart pounding with anxiety. My mind had leapt miles and weeks ahead into a scenario that hadn't come to pass yet. I had forgotten all my practice. I wasn't being centered. I wasn't in the moment and being present. I wasn't being mindful. To get back to that state I returned to what I had practiced and seemed to work well for me. I concentrated on the exhale portion of my breathing. Within a few minutes, I was able to see through the muddied emotions, accept them, and embrace the core of my issue. I was in the moment. I was able to return to a mindful state.  

So if you want to be a good painter, practice painting. If you want to play the piano well, practice playing the piano. And if you want to be more mindful? 

"Hey friend, how do I get to mindfulness?"
"Practice."