To Be

I saw a recent posting about establishing an attitude for the day and it made complete sense to me. 

Instead of beginning each day with "What do I have to DO today?" begin each with, "How am I going to BE today?" 

I love that. Make your attitude the day's determiner, not the day's chores. Attitude and outlook are everything. The rest of the day's stuff just fits into whatever tone you decide to set for yourself. 

The Joy of Forgiving Yourself

A reminder from my good friend Dan to be gentle and patient with ourselves. We are not as awful, bad at something, or stupid as our self talk sometimes tells us. The first of the Four Agreements tell us to be impeccable with our word. I realized one day that doesn't just mean how we talk to and interact with others. It also means how we talk to and interact with ourselves. That struck me like a thunderbolt. Such a simple notion had escaped me all this time! The conversations and relationship we have with ourselves sets the tone for our entire outlook. Once I understood that and started being more aware of own self talk I realized how downright cruel I was being to me. We sometimes talk to ourselves in ways we wouldn't talk to others or ever allow others to talk to us. So be sure to move through the day with a gentle and loving spirit. Give yourself the break you would give others and expect others to give you. Namaste.

A Green Monster Morning

Each morning before my coffee in the morning I have a small cocktail glass of some kind of juice. One grocery store I shop at makes their own fresh juices. They have everything from orange and grapefruit juice to beet and carrot juice. All freshly made each day. I buy their "Green Monster" blend; it's spinach, celery, green grapes, and granny smith apples. A glass of that each morning starts my day off on a sweet and healthy note.

I finished all the Green Monster yesterday so this morning I had a glass of V8. Equally good and refreshing! It feels great putting healthy stuff in my body first thing of the day. 

Lifting the Curtain on Mental Conditioning

When our eyes are opened to the lifetime of conditioning we've undergone by family and society it can seem overwhelming. The curtain being lifted on that can be staggering. We begin being told at a very early age what to do, what not to do, how to behave, what's "acceptable" and what isn't. In the process we lose our "magic," our wonder, and our zest for living fully. Stifling a young person's creativity and curiosity has incredibly damaging effects in their adulthood. Conformity becomes the norm. We don't know any other way to think.

Then one day we realize what's going on. For some it's a slow wake up. For others it's a sudden jolt. For me it has been a slow realization. With several years of reading, listening to my own thoughts, getting honest with myself, learning to recognize my own deceptive thinking, and regular counseling sessions I've finally arrived at a place of reckoning. I understand what went on in my youth and how it conditioned my thinking and what I know and believe about myself. Once the first hints of that started to appear, the domino effect and the snowball effect took over. It all began to domino in the sense that once one conditioned (and by conditioned the word "false" is inferred here) belief fell, the rest started falling as well. In turn, once the dominos started falling the realizations began snowballing. One realization added on to another, and another, and another. Each domino and addition to the snowball has brought me closer and closer to the intensity and satisfaction of living as full a life as possible in each moment in the best way I can. Are some days more vibrant and alive than others? Of course. Everyday isn't filled with sunshine being pumped up my ass. Some days are a real fucking drag. But armed with the knowledge I've gained and am gaining, I now know those crappy days are not permanent things. 

One of my initial reactions to all of this was to reach back into my past and be angry with myself for not knowing sooner. That's just more conditioning trying to get my new-found thinking back in check. The past can only have as much control over me as I allow it to have. As I mentioned in a previous blog posting, the past cannot reach out from the calendar and yank me back. The past is a memory. There is nothing tangible to those thoughts. Today is today, and yesterday is a wispy memory and tomorrow has yet to be lived. There's absolutely no value is looking back in anger or ahead with anxiousness. The only reason I look back now is for the lessons, not to relive traumatic events. The future isn't something that holds me back from living here and now. Neither have any bearing on what I'm doing right now or this afternoon, tomorrow, next week, next month, or next year. 

The other tendancy in these cases is to look back and search for something or someone to blame. For me that's not anything I'm interested in. The people to look back on and blame are not to blame. Just as we all have our baggage we're trying to put down, so is everyone else. We all have demons we're either wrestling or have wrestled. To hold anyone any more accountable than I hold myself is a cruel, unfair, and unloving act. Just as I can't change my past, neither can they. Did I ever look back in anger? You bet I did! When I look back on those people now with my new perspective, I don't look back in anger. I look back with a deeper sense of understanding their motives which immediately brings me and deeper sense of empathy and compassion. To be kinder to ourselves brings being kinder to those in our past. We can no more hold them in contempt. To do so would be ignoring the lessons of the present. 

So today I move forward with a kinder spirit. One firmly rooted in the present and a fuller joy of the moment. We could all stand to have much more of that. 

Serenity from Frustration

So yesterday was a really crappy day work-wise. Everything was a fire drill. One job in particular was totally fucked up. I was working on a file from my desktop (standard working procedure) and was told at the eleventh hour that the file I should be working from is online where everyone was working on it in real time. So most of my day's work was for naught. Had I been told that from the beginning a lot of stress and frustration could have been avoided. It was a classic case of miscommunication and no communication at all boogering everything up. I was frustrated, my boss was frustrated, and the mood was basically gloomy because of all this. 

I tell this story for background to something else. Lying in bed this morning I said to myself, "Yesterday is a memory now. Nothing about it is tangible. It can't reach out from the calendar and grab me and pull me back." Then I wondered, "Back from what? Back into what?" It was then I understood my aloud thinking. I had moved beyond letting something in past affect my here and now. It's a new day and what is past is past. It can't influence my mood, if I don't allow it to. I learned a great deal from yesterday about how to more effectively handle similar situations in the future. And that's the only thing from that mess of a day and project I need to carry with me.

It was a great feeling and one of those you feel the serenity and confidence of in your bones. It helps me stay present and in the moment. Right where I should be. Not looking over my shoulder at the past, and not anxious about a future that hasn't happened yet. 

New Age Music and the Cosmic Sparrows

I was sitting in my car this morning waiting for the gym to open and listening to a Sirius station called “Spa.” It’s all New Age music and I find it very relaxing and mentally calming. As one song was playing this flock of sparrows flew right toward the windshield and split off almost in time to the music’s crescendo.

It was one of those “larger cosmic” moments that would slip right by a person if they weren't aware enough to pay attention to such things. 

Crossroads

There comes a point in every adult's life where he knows he's at a crossroads. He can continue on the same path, but that will only yield the same results. Or he can take the path he knows is a better one, and enjoy new and different results. I came to that crossroad last night and this morning. I know absolutely the path I want and need to be on. Turning away from the other is so much easier when one is self-aware enough to have perspective. 

The Incredible Benefits of Not Belonging

Through my friend Dan I've discovered 20-something Japanese minimalist Sena Shimotsuma. He has a unique perspective on life that resonates deeply with me. Check out his latest video above and be sure to explore some of his others. His insight is deep and his reasoning is sound. Enjoy!

The Age of Contentment

Last night I had a quiet evening at home. I had a 10mg Sour Strawberry Sativa gummie and two Old Fashioneds. My Frenchie Rufus was lying next to me on the sofa, and I watched several episodes of 30 Rock and listened to some jazz. It was the perfect evening. I didn't need to pile anything else on in the mentality of "more will make it more fun." No going out to a bar, hunting online for sex, or being around loud people. It was just me in my space doing my thing. 

Describing last night to a friend I told him I've reached the "Age of Contentment" where my "enough" if truly enough. It feels good to be aware enough to recognize being in that space, and knowing enough to know to appreciate it. 

Measurement

 “The measure of success is happiness and peace of mind.”
— Bobby Davro

Credit: Durban Hagen Facebook posting

The Bullhorn of Happiness

It occurred to me this morning that for the past year and a half we've been getting blatant, in-your-face messages. Messages that are telling us to slow down, enjoy your life as it is in this very moment, stop chasing false success in the form of stuff, look inward, and appreciate the present. 

That message has come in the form of everything from COVID lockdowns to Facebook crashes. Yesterday without Facebook did seem weird, yes. But it was much like turning off a squawky television and enjoying the peace and quiet. 

And yet despite all the bullhorns showing us the way to deeper happinesses, we go right back to "the way things were" or exhaust ourselves chasing it. Sometimes I think we'll never, ever learn.

Don't Be Duped

It's a heavy revelation when you realize you’ve been duped into living someone else’s goals or plans. Realizing you’ve been tricked into thinking that their life is your life is a real eye-opener. Some people never figure it out and live their entire lives fulfilled only to the point that the other person manipulates them into believing is a full life. How terrible.

Absurdity & Sadness

I just saw one of those clickbait article links in the side panel on Facebook a few minutes ago. The headline was, "Inside Liza Minnelli's abandoned $26 million dollar mansion."

The first thought that flashed in my head was the absurdity of a twenty six million dollar home.

The second was a weird sadness knowing that all that luxury didn't buy her any more happiness.

The Bankruptcy of Ego

I've come to realize there are those out there whose ego will bankrupt them. I'm not talking about just financial bankruptcy, either. It also includes emotional and spiritual bankruptcy. Case in point: A friend just extended the lease on his car for another six months until February 2022. In the meantime he'll be shopping for another car. No problem you say? Well, he told me yesterday that if he finds one he likes, he'll just have to make double payments for a few months. Whaaaaaat?! And it can't be a nice used car either, mind you. It has to be a new car. So in order to feed his ego he's going to be making lease payments on one car while making another set of payments on another car he simply has to have. 

I honestly feel sorry for people like this. Their ego is holding them hostage and they can't even see it. I'm two things primarily: a minimalist and a "slow and steady wins the race" person. I don't want what I don't have. My furniture isn't from a high-end store. My clothes are mostly from Target, I shop for groceries at a small locally-owned grocery at the end of my block (they have TONS of incredible fruit and produce, some things I've never seen before!) and the prices are very cheap. I also believe in a steady pace through life. I quietly and methodically let my savings grow. I put a certain amount in savings each Sunday, and any time I get a raise, a portion of the difference in pay either goes to my retirement fund or my savings account. Slowly and steadily I'm planning for my retirement. I don't live a flashy lifestyle, nor would I want to. I am so content being in my home on a Saturday night with my Frenchie Rufus, a nice drink, a good book, good food, and good music. Simple pleasures. 

So when I see people trying so hard to jump through the hoops their egos have constructed for them I back away. It's like coming upon a skyscraper on fire. I simply turn down a different street and avoid all that chaos and drama lest I become a part of the situation. Life is much better and simpler that way. 

I Don't Fucking Care

When a person says, "I just don't fucking care anymore," it sounds like they're giving up. In reality it's not defeat. It's liberation.

Fear Itself

A thought popped into my head at the gym this morning. “Stop being afraid of things you’re not willing to work on.”

I’m always surprised when I look closer at a situation, thing, etc, that's causing me some hesitation. It’s never fear of the thing itself holding me back. It’s the fear of it, the notion of fear I’ve twisted up in my head. I manage sometimes to pervert that fear into a critique on my being. If I was more _______ I wouldn’t be holding myself back (ie, if I was better or perfect.) Catching the thoughts is now the most fascinating part. Seeing how deeply that thought pattern is engrained in me is intriguing. How long ago was that seed of self-doubt placed in me? What was the incident that caused it? 

As a friend said when I told him all this, "I'm some ways, I'm more afraid of being afraid than I am of the thing itself. I'm afraid of the emotional state I'll find myself in, and yet ironically THAT is within my control."

It's like FDR said about the only thing to fear is the fear itself, not the thing causing the fear. For me I imagine my fear as a wadded up, used Brillo pad. It’s all scratchy looking and full of gunk. I picture it laying in a counter and I’m staring at it. Doing that helps me separate from my irrational thinking (fear) and helps put it in its place or in its context. If I can see it as being outside of me, like the Brillo pad, that helps me get my brain around it and alleviate its hold on me. 

Loneliness

“If you're lonely when you're alone, you're in bad company.”
— Jean-Paul Sartre

Our Brief History

We think life is long. It's not. We're just a teeny blip on the timeline. A tiny gear in the machine of the Universe. So we need to grab all the joy and happiness we can and never, ever live with regret no matter what. Something in your life not what you want or not bringing you joy? Don't waste a single moment more on it. Dump it and don't look back. Do not come to the end of it all having regrets over missed opportunities. 

Someone said when Death comes and takes the first bite out of them, they want it to be the juiciest, most delicious bite Death has ever taken. Death will realize this was a person who lived a full life and squeezed every last drop out of it. 

I couldn't agree more. 

Storm reminders

Hearing the thunder and seeing the lightning of tonight's storm reminds me of a very simple notion: we don't own the planet. 

It's not ours. 

We belong to it, not the other way around. 

We need to respect our living spaces more. We need to treat the planet the way we would hope to be treated, with tender-loving kindness and respect.

My Fellow Rocks

My rock haul from my Provincetown vacation. Nice additions to my collection. I always write on the underside where and when I got them. For me it’s the best souvenir. Rocks have always held a fascination for me. How old are they? Where in the Earth did they form? How long have they been on this particular beach? We’re made of the same stuff. We are children of the Universe and cohabitants of the same planet. We are more connected than we realize.

Understanding Holes

As I get older (56 and proud here!) I find myself pulling away from certain people, places, and things I always thought were so important and an integral part of me. I've learned they're nothing of the sort. 

In doing so I find myself with a weird sense of loneliness sometime. A few days ago for instance, I was restless-lonely. I didn't want to be around anyone, but didn't want to be by myself. It’s a strange sensation that is neither melancholy nor regret. It’s lots of emotions sort of rolled into one. I've gotten frustrated trying to figure the feeling out and then on an evening dog walk it hit me. 

It wasn’t a sadness from jettisoning a person from my life or eliminating a place or thing. It was a hole, a vacant spot in my life where that thing used to be. It’s bumping up against the time spent with it. I was having a brief moment of not knowing what to do with that hole of vacant time. 

Realizing that, I can see it as a space for opportunity. I get to read more. I can spend more time cooking (moving more toward a vegan diet, but more about that in a later blog post), visiting that coffee house I've never been to, writing here, meditating, investigating that new hobby, or working out. The possibilities are endless. All it took was a good, reflective walk with Rufus. If we all took the time and courage to pivot our point of view just a bit, we'd discover how much time we waste on meaningless things and how much is out there just waiting for us. 

Fiendish Jones and the Need for Permission

Earlier this morning I was just feeding my Frenchie Rufus and doing some cleaning and rearranging in the kitchen when (to me) a profound and probably obvious thought occurred to me. 

I've been operating in my new apartment space with a sort of unconscious need for permission from some nebulous "persona" out there. Even something as simple as where I'm putting the toaster on the countertop became a battle for permission. What if "someone" doesn't like it there? What if they don't approve of my choice of toaster color? What if they criticize my choices?! And on and on it went.

In the moment where I realized fully what I was doing to myself a name came to me as if someone opened my head and plopped it right into my brain. Fiendish Jones. He's basically Snidely Whiplash (for those of you not old enough to remember the cartoon Dudley Do-Right of the Mounties Snidely was Dudley's arch nemesis.) He's the voice that lurks just out of range of my consciousness that criticizes every decision I make. He has a top hat and cape and a long mustache that he twirls as he laughs manically at mentally cornering me yet again. I've constantly found myself asking his permission for just about everything I do.

I didn't even realize until this morning I was operating under this kind of imaginary criticism. Now that I know this, now that I've moved from ignorance to knowledge, from knowing to embracing, I understand that I don't need to seek or be that needy for permission about anything.

What a revelation.

The Freedom From Stuff

I woke up around 3 this morning. Lying in bed I had a nice thought occur to me, “The more you know yourself the less you need.” Specifically I was thinking of this in terms of "stuff," but it can apply to almost anything, emotional neediness, fear of being by one’s self, etc.

Telling this to my friend Dan his reply was perfect. "True. The path winds inward." Indeed. 

Respect

I attended a combination housewarming and birthday party for my French Bulldog Rufus last night (he just turned 5!) It was a marvelous time with dear friends who haven't seen each other in at least a year, some longer, due to COVID. The feeling in the room was one of a collective exhale. Everyone was thrilled to be there and be in each other's presence once again. Riding that wave of frivolity and gratitude for friends and extended family I had a lovely raspberry edible and drank at least two beers too many.

I didn't wake up hung over. At my age that kind of "contact sport" drinking is best left to the younger folks. I enjoy my adult beverages as much as the next responsible adult and I'm always conscious of my limit. I'm also very much a dedicated gym enthusiast and nothing interrupts my workout schedule. So this morning I was there when they opened at 8am just like every other Sunday.

As many know, I've spent the last several years on a self-discovery quest, both with a therapist and of my own efforts (reading books on Buddhism and mindfulness, meditating, paying attention to dreams, etc, etc.) So this morning at the gym the one thought that kept running in my head was "respect." Maybe others have this ability too, but I'm very conscious of my body and it's components. They all feel to me like individuals who are working together for a common goal. This morning I was very conscious of my liver and my kidneys. And this is where the respect comes in. Did I respect them by my behavior last night? Probably not. I personify them and think things like my liver is saying, "WHOA! Here comes MORE alcohol?!" And every time I went to the bathroom I imagined my kidneys saying, "Damn. MORE fluid to get rid of?! What the hell is this guy trying to do to us?!"

Now is this actually true? Of course not. But it gives me a way to keep the notion of respecting my body in the forefront of my thinking. The respect for my body extends also to the kinds of foods I eat. I'm very an "as natural as possible" kind of food purchaser. My refrigerator is full of fresh fruits and vegetables. I eat chicken and seafood mostly and try to keep my beef to a minimum, and I try to balance my meals with more vegetables than anything (Broccoli is my FAVORITE!) As I'm eating I practice what is called "mindful eating." I thought only I knew about mindful eating then discovered it's an actual thing! As I'm eating I imagine all the digestive elements swinging into action to help my body. My chewing and saliva rallying to break that food down. My esophagus muscles helping to move it all down to my stomach. My stomach saying things like, "Ooooo! Asparagus! We LOVE asparagus!" My intestines thanking all the components before it helping to deliver nutrients that can be distributed out through my body. And my body picking up those nutrients and saying, "Here you go guys! Let's put this stuff to good use!"

It all fits into the notion of respect. When I do these things I feel like all the components of my body are thanking me and encouraging me to continue respecting them. It brings me a very pleasant serenity that lasts the entire day.

Fork in the Road

I'm at an interesting fork in the road here lately. I've become more keenly aware of old thinking being replaced by new, older age mentalities. What once seemed of paramount importance to me and the center of my dynamic is being replaced by something more gentle and serene.

As an example, men and sex. I see men at my gym that are simply beautiful. Some I could easily categorize as stunning. I'm becoming more aware of the sense that it's more rewarding to look and admire than to have. The simple, unfiltered beauty of them to me is like admiring a beautiful tree or sunset. I don't necessarily think about fucking them. In my maturing mind I somehow think it would tarnish the view if all there was about them was just another sexual conquest. As gay men (and maybe straight men, too?) we have this "fuck and conquer" mentality. We don't steal paintings we consider masterpieces. So why this need to fuck EVERY beautiful man you see? Sit back and enjoy the view. Relish in the ability to be aware enough to know this.

And that is the fork-in-the-road mentality I'm at. One direction is all about the conquest, more notches in the bedpost. And the other is the joy I get from knowing I'm an aware enough person to realize it.

More notches in the bedpost don't necessarily make for a very fulfilling life. It just makes for a weaker bed frame.

Insecurity

I have no time for insecure people. We all have some insecurity about one thing or another. When insecurity is a person's motivator for practically everything in their life, however, and they use it as a way to manipulate others, I get exhausted trying to get my tolerance around that and so I just don't. Life's too short for that. 

A Life of Window Shopping

I've come to realize several times lately the notion of life being about possibilities. We're not locked in any way into the pigeon hole we've been told we must belong in. That's just conditioning.

One incident that really drove the point of possibilities home for me was when my ex-partner and I were condo shopping. The realtor for the seller was there, a handsome man, well-dressed, well-spoken, and obviously gay. He kept following me around the condo subtly cruising me doing his best to disguise it as being the attentive real estate agent. When we left a fantasy kept playing in my head. Had I been by myself I could've fucked him right there in that condo. The mad, passionate, animalistic fucking of two people who are unable to deny their lust for one another. Of course the likelihood of that ever happening is reserved only for pornography. What the fantasy did teach me though was about life's possibilities. I realized how I'd sealed myself off from possibilities. Taking chances. Being open to experiences. Being curious and excited to see what different avenues life can take you down.

I realized how I'd allowed the world to be put behind glass. Something to be seen and not touched. Not savored. Not experienced. Somehow I'd allowed my life to become all window shopping and no buying. Longing for the experience but never reaching out for it.

If we're not careful an entire lifetime can slip by us and all we've done is window shop. No thank you. 

Tapestry

"There are many parts of my youth that I'm not proud of. There were -- loose threads; untidy parts of me that I would like to remove. But when I -- pulled on one of those threads; it unraveled the tapestry of my life."

Eating

I just saw a commercial for Applebee's with the theme to Welcome Back Kotter basically welcoming people back to dining out. 

Two things immediately occurred to me.

Firstly, eating is a sport. We rarely eat with our bodies in mind. In genera we don't eat for healthy benefits.

Secondly, we've learned nothing from the last Year of COVID. Everyone and everything is trying to get back to how things were. We're not slowing down and cherishing the moment. We've either forgotten or ignored the lessons COVID had to teach us about self awareness and the rewards of introspection.

The Wealthy Fishman

The rich industrialist was horrified to find the fisherman lying beside his boat smoking a pipe.

"Why aren't you out fishing?" asked the industrialist. 

"Because I have caught enough fish for the day."

"Why don't you catch some more?"

"What would I do with them?"

"You could earn more money. Then you could have a motor fitted to your boat to go into deeper waters and catch more fish. Then you would have enough money to buy nylon nets. These would bring you more fish and more money. Soon you would have enough money to own two boats...maybe even a fleet of boats. Then you would be a rich man like me."

"What would I do then?"

"Then you could sit back and enjoy life."

"What do you think I'm doing now?"

From Timeless Simplicity by John Lane

The Thievery of Joy

Comparison truly is the thief of joy.

Through an odd set of circumstances, this morning I found out the salary of an old friend of mine I haven't seen in years. Now I have a very comfortable salary, but he makes, literally, over three times what I make. That's an obscene amount of money!

I immediately started comparing myself to him.
"He probably has a great house, and here I am living in an apartment."
"He probably drives a brand new car."
"How could I possibly feel good about myself if we were in each other's company." and on and on it went for about five minutes as I sank deeper into a "flash despair" the kind that comes on quickly and hits you hard. Right in the gut. 

Then in as quick a flash, I realized I'd slipped into that comparison trap again. I quickly lifted myself out it. I reminded myself that all the material things in the world can't replace honest joy, the kind that can only come from the inside. Is my friend happy with his life? I sure hope so. Am I happy with mine? Absolutely. When I stop laying everyone else's template over myself is when I'm reminded that happiness and joy truly are very intimate, inside jobs.

The Joy of Hyperpresence

This morning I'm flooded with an overwhelming sense of calm and place. It's a feeling of "I am RIGHT HERE. I'm in THIS MOMENT." There's nothing ahead to be anxious about, and the past isn't something regrettable. It's just lessons to be assimilated. It's a kind of hyper reality and sense of deep satisfaction. I don't have the biggest place, the fanciest car, the most expensive stuff, and I'm not famous or rich. But I'm right here, right now, and I'm fantastically content feeling me feet firmly and serenely planted in the moment. It's a term I call "hyperpresence."

Thought In the Time of COVID

I'm sitting quietly in my dining room reflecting on the events of the day. At 1.45pm, CST, I joined 75,495,716 people in the United States who've been vaccinated at least once for COVID-19. At the moment the significance didn't hit me. 

Sitting in my automobile afterward, I can admit to the tears that started flowing. I thought of so much. I thought of my mother who passed away almost five years ago now. In that moment I missed her more than ever. I wanted to share my moment with her so badly and knew I couldn't. I wondered how she would've handled the pandemic and its effects on family and society. Being the fiery, strong Irish woman that she was, I know the answer. She would've reached deep down inside herself and found the strength and wisdom to do the the things she knew were the right things to do. She would've pulled family and friends as close as possible, and as always in her own loving, selfless way, looked out for them before she looked out for herself. 

I thought of all the people who didn't make it to this moment. Those people who died hooked up to ventilators without family there to comfort them. Their families who suffered the heart-wrenching tragedy of loved ones dying and not being able to be there. 

I thought of all those yet to be vaccinated. Patiently waiting their turn, wearing their masks, keeping their distance. Day in and day out counting the moments until they get their chance to get the protection we all deserve. 

As I sat crying in joy and sadness for the things I've mentioned above, I thought back to my childhood. Steamy, humid summer midwest evenings filled with the sound of crickets and the amber glow of fireflies so thick in the air you could practically read by their light. Sitting in cool, metal Adirondack chairs in the dewy humid backyard grass of summer eating ice cold watermelon. Watermelon so cold it made your teeth hurt. But you could feel its chill spreading through your body as you swallowed each piece. Having contests to see who could spit the slimy seeds the furthest. 

These were the things I suddenly missed. The innocence of youth where the horrors of viruses that irrevocably damage and change lives was a million miles away and not even on the radar of a ten-year old boy. I grew up in the "between disease" times of the late 60s and 70s. Polio was a horror I only heard the adults talk about, not fully understanding their recollectant terror and the nighmare of AIDS. Horrific diseases that changed the course of humanity whether we admit it, recognize it or not. 

All of this flooded me within milliseconds, really. It all flashed in my head with a clarity and embrace that seemed almost impossible. How could I grasp such a large emotion and concept in such a small span of time? How could I project its sigfnificance into a future that hasn't happened yet? I don't know. I just know that I could and did. 

It's for all those reasons and many more that I have the duty to double down on my mask wearing. Why I have the responsibility to keep on social distancing. Why I need to keep washing my hands and staying vigilent. We're almost there. There's a light at the end of the tunnel and for once it's not a train.  

COVID's Rewards

I was just out walking the dog. As spring is beginning to take hold after a particularly rough end to winter I got to thinking about COVID. I have had my moments of COVID fatigue, to be sure. And while I go get a bit weary in waiting for my turn to be vaccinated, overall I'm glad for the experience. Over the past year I've become much more self-aware and my sense of being grounded in who and what I am has become more solidified.

There are those anxious for this all to be over so we can "get back to normal." That life and its daily dynamic is never returning. I feel sorrow for those groping and gasping for that "before" life. They don't see the gifts and opportunities of the past year. They've squandered the rarest of opportunities. The chance to read, to learn a new skill, to take up a new hobby, or to simply spend quality time with one's self.

While I didn't learn to play an instrument, learn to knit, or work jigsaw puzzles, I found greater parts of myself that were waiting for me to come find them. I not only found them, I embraced them. And that is a greater reward than any knit cap or 500-piece puzzle of the Eiffel Tower.

Beer Cap Fortunes

Last night I cracked open a beer and this was on the inside of the bottle cap. I've never even paid attention to a beer bottle cap before! It’s so funny for that to pop up right now. I've found myself being at another fork in life’s road so this seemingly innocent little beer cap fortune had a far greater significance for me. It seems The Universe is always finding clever ways to get the message through. Some people would say this is like a Rorschach test or horoscope, reading into it what you want, making the message fit the situation. The difference for me is that I'm finding the more mindful and self-aware I'm becoming the more these kinds of cosmic communications seem to happen. A friend says this is tapping into the power of unconscious. Perhaps he's right. Perhaps tapping into the power of that unconscious is tapping into The Universe as well?

The Optical Delusion of Being a Human

"A human being is part of the whole, called by us “Universe,” a part limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts and feelings, as something separated from the rest - a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest to us. Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty."

– Albert Einstein in replying to a stranger who asked for consolation on the death of his son.

Temporal Compression

"I had been experiencing a temporal compression, attempting to live the past, present, and future all at the same time. The lines were blurred.

When I visit the past now, it is for wisdom and experience, not for regret or shame. I don't attempt to erase it, only to accept it. Whatever my physical circumstances are today, I deal with them and remain present. If I fall, I will rise up. As for the future, I haven't been there yet. I only know that I have one. Until I don't. The last thing we run out of is the future."

– Michael J. Fox, "No Time Like the Future - An Optimist Considers Mortality"

Lauren Bacall on Life

"...the stress on personal character, demonstrating the importance of the quality of life, the proper attitude towards work. To be good was more important than to be rich. To be kind was more important than owning a house or a car. To respect one's work and do it well, to risk something in life was more important than being a star.

I have a contribution to make. I am not just taking up space in this life. I can add something to the lives I touch. I don't like everything about myself, and I'll never be satisfied, but nobody's perfect."

– Lauren Bacall

The Absurdity of Negative Thinking

The most absurd thought crossed my mind this morning. I’m usually on and working by 6.30am. I like getting up early and getting a jump on things before the emails and direct messages start pouring in.

I was at the gym this morning and wouldn't start work until probably 7.45. I got nervous thinking people would be drumming their fingers and thinking me irresponsible for not being there at 6.30 (a time when they’re not even online and working.)

I quickly identified the notion as absurd, wadded it up and tossed in the wastebasket of my psyche (something I'm getting much better at!) It’s interesting how so much of enlightened thinking isn’t so much about not having the thoughts as it is learning ways to manage them.

The Peace of Presence

There comes an age where priorities and things one thought were so important honestly aren't anymore. All you'd like is peace and quiet. Living a simple, uncomplicated life, quietly sipping your coffee or tea in your favorite chair as the sun's coming up. Moving through the day knowing where you are with yourself and feeling like your'e fully in the present moment.

Reflections in the Time of COVID

I’m feeling very reflective about COVID this morning. Where I live it has been handled poorly to say the least, but it’s given me so much opportunity. I don’t think I’d be as mindful and self-aware if I hadn’t gone through this year. I had a wisp of “Opportunity Squandered” creep into my thoughts last night. 

Then I told myself I may not have learned to play the piano or written the Great American Novel, but I got deeper in touch with me. I found some of the deeper gears that make me work. I understand the mechanism so much better. Learning the piano or writing a book can’t even touch that.