The Saturday Ritual

I began today the same way I do each Saturday. I wake up at 5am and wander into the kitchen to make the coffee and wait until about half a cup is brewed. It's the thickest, oiliest, most potent portion of the pot (and the tastiest!) I pour it into my cup on top of a splash of creamer. Yes, I love my coffee so strong it could walk on its own! I head for the living room and open the blinds to the east-facing window. I sit down in my favorite armchair in the dark and absolute silence to await the growing sunrise. It's my favorite time of day; I'm alone with my thoughts, my coffee, and the rising sun. For an hour or two the world is still slumbering and it's quiet and serene. In those few hours my mind is clear and I am thoughtful in ways that remind me I am a living, breathing part of a living, breathing planet. That harmonious "oneness" is palpable and profound in its simplicity. The sunrise gradually kisses the room with a warm, orange "Hello!" and I begin the journey into my day unencumbered, mindful, and enlightened. 

The End of Era, Aging, and the Holidays

This holiday season was a strange and emotional one for me. On my way to see my dad I stopped off in the town where I went to college to see several friends. My primary stop was to see my dearest and closest friend of forty years who had prostate cancer a few years ago. Because of overcrowding of hospitals due to the COVID pandemic he was unable to have his surgery for approximately a year. He was finally able to have his prostate removed last year. Unfortunately by then, the cancer had spread to his bones, bone metastasis or metastases. This type of cancer is incurable and life expenctancy is around five years. Despite that my friend is doing incredibly well. He is a serious practitioner and believer in mindfulness. Thanks to that, his incredibly positive attitude (mind over matter!), a strong support network, and a chemotherapy "bomb" (several weeks of "bombing" the cancer with an almost overload of chemo) his PSA numbers are non-existent and his overall health is quite good. 

While in town I also visited with a couple I've known equally as long. One half of the couple is beginning to show (what I and I alone suspect) are signs of some sort of dementia. While his is still quite coherent (knows who people are, can easily do everyday activities, etc), he tends to ramble from topic to topic in the same conversation never alighting on any one point or idea. At one point sitting beside him he talked for almost five minutes non-stop and I couldn't make sense of any of it. I've asked other friends about this and they've noticed the same behavior and say it's progressing. 

By coincidence at the house of the friends above another friend happened to be in town from Virginia at the same time I was. His hair is now shoulder-length and white. He is in wonderful health, but the aging process is evident. Having not seen him in about thirteen years, although it shouldn't be, the difference was a shock. Several other friends I hadn't seen in almost as long came to the house for a small party/get together. It was the same with them. They've aged. Oddly enough, I hadn't considered that even though we haven't seen each other in so many years, they would continue to age just as I have. Of course they wouldn't remain looking like they did almost twenty years ago! Realizing that obvious fact hit me hard and strange.

Traveling on to my dad's house, I was a little surprised at how much he's aged since I saw him just a month earlier at Thanksgiving. He's going to be 85 in next month and is still very active. He still drives, lives independently alone (cooks his own food, does his own laundry, cleans his house, etc), plays cards at his church's senior citizen center every Wednesday with friends, visits the local senior citizen meal center on Tuesdays for breakfast with some of those same friends, and drives a neighbor to dialysis once a week. Despite all that, I saw a drastic decline from a month ago. He stumbles more now, his left hand shakes uncontrollably most of the time, and he's started repeating stories to me as if he's telling me for the first time. He's also beginning to mix and confuse stories and events. What happened with one of his sisters he now remembers as happening to another. He will tell me one facet of an event and an hour later he will retell the story with different people in the story.

In addition, my father is now living almost full-time in the memory of his marriage to my mother who died seven and a half years ago. They knew each other since they were seven and ten (mother, father respectively) and were married for fifty-two years. He misses her terribly and I don't blame him. He reminisces about their lives together, things they did, places they went, and tragedies they suffered together. He does this with a peculiar longing that sounds very much like he knows his time is coming to a close.

All of these things combined made for a rather melancholy and somber holiday. Yes, it was absolutely wonderful to see all the people listed above, of course! But it's brought to the fore the notion that a particular era of my life will be coming to a close soon. Some of the people I've loved dearly will be gone. There will be no more weekends to spend together, no silly stories to trade, and no time just sitting together in each other's company not doing anything at all. 

Most importantly is my dad. When he's gone I'll be the last member of my immediate family. My mother for whatever reason wasn't able to have any more children, and I am thus, an only child. My dad and I have not always seen eye-to-eye. Sometimes we've outright butted heads and not always gently. I have cousins I'm semi-close to, but it won't ever be the same. I won't have any brothers or sisters to spend my time with. I sit and watch my dad sometimes and I think about how he knows it's winding down faster now each day. 

I have mixed emotions about this. I'm acutely aware that life is short, and that notion becomes more real every day. I want to know that when this era or chapter in my life with these friends and family comes to a close I haven't squandered any of my time with them. I want to be sure it all counted. When they're gone I don't want to regret. I want to smile and be happy for the fact that these people were in my life in the first place. 

Gorging Oneself

A thought came to me earlier this morning: As we age we "gorge ourselves" on different things.

As I'm about to enter my sixth decade of living I've discovered my feasting is now on things like my life-long friendships, serenity, solitude, and the adventures on the journey of my happiness and inner fulfillment. I don't need to drink to excess as I did in my 20s and 30s, I don't need any more sexual conquests, and I certainly don't need to gorge myself on the need for approval of others. 

This creates a sustained state of grace within me. A blissful flow that if given proper attention can be easily maintained throughout the remainder of my life. 

Land of Morpheus and The Mayan Alphabet

Below is a link to one of my latest entries on my dream blog, Land of Morpheus.
Feel free to browse other entries there as well. 

Mayan Alphabet

Conditioning

In the last six months or so, I've found myself becoming more self-aware than ever, shedding what I call the PPTs (People, Places, and Things) that have been a central part of what I now refer to as the old me. I've felt myself becoming more tuned into my being's desire and need to pull away from all the gunky conditioning that's been cluttering my existence. With each day it becomes more clear how deeply I've been trapped by my people-pleasing mentality that's an integral part of my conditioning. It's taken me almost a decade of diligent work with a therapist and sincere attention to the things that get exposed by it. A decade sounds like a long time, but I believe once recognized, these things don’t get undone in a day, a month, or even a year. The amount of time it takes to begin being consciously aware of the unconscious thinking and behavior is far less than the time it took for that thinking and behavior to become rooted in me. As I continue to wake up from the deep sleep of my conditioning sometimes I'm filled with an anxiousness. Recognizing how deeply my absolute being has been molded by the five decades of conditioning fills me with a sense of immediacy. One hundred and eighty degree changes must happen NOW! I've spent so many years trapped in approval seeking that it feels like time is of the essence. I know, of course, that this is not true. Reversal of this thinking and embracing my self-awareness takes time. It's a journey not a destination.

We aren't meant to exist only in the conditioning of our upbringing. We aren't meant to exist only within the limitations of our parents. The ideas they have for us are limited to their own range of sight, and that's based on their upbringing and their parents range of sight, and so on and so on. The conditioning goes back generations. Our unconscious perception of ourselves is formed by generations of conditioning. We are not them. I am not them.

The biggest aspect of this notion is hearing the voice of my parents in my head. From one parent it's the voice of failure. "Why do you only have that much money left over after paying all your bills?" "Why didn't you get an A instead of a B on that test?" "Why couldn't you..." "Why didn't you...," and on and on and on. I provide for myself financially just fine, yet in the back of my mind I always here that parent criticizing me. This parent means well. This parent's intentions are to inspire me to always do my best. At 58 I finally get that. But growing up when that parent's words come across in a harsh and brutal tone, the 10-year old me doesn't understand that. When that parent is barking at you to stop crying (and you're crying because of the way they've just barked at you for something) you only cry more. An impossible loop for a 10-year old to escape. When you're playing little league baseball you're afraid to swing at a pitch for fear that you'll miss and that parent will yell at you. So you don't swing at all and get yelled at just the same. Damned if you do, damned if you don't. So from the get-go half of my thinking was "failure," "disappointment," "loser," and a overwhelming sense of apology for simply being human. This parent grew up in a physically abusive household; parents beating each other up, father beating up sons, mother slapping daughters. Knowing how this parent grew up and what kind of conditioning there was in that household helps me understand that parent better now. I can empathize. I can cut this parent some slack for my conditioning. It was never done to harm me. This parent simply didn't know any better. 

The other parent was a people pleaser. Terrified of not making everyone happy, except themselves. If everyone is happy, pleased, and satisfied, but that parent is sitting in misery, it was all worth it. That was this parent's thinking. This parent instilled in me the notion to always please. Always be available. Always do just a little more. Always at your own expense of course. This parent grew up in an emotionally abusive household. This parent told me a story of being badgered by their mother one Christmas to tell her what the present was under the tree (my parent knew and was sworn to secrecy.) My grandmother finally wore her child down and this parent of mine told her what was in the package. My grandmother immediately said, "Now you've ruined my Christmas." She had no idea what that does to a child. She had no idea what kind of hurt and psychological damage that causes. As a boy, teen, and adult I saw this over and over. My grandmother would treat my parent with such psychological cruelty. She actually told my parent once that, "You'd be happier if you weren't so fat." So, this parent took on the role of people pleaser. Make everyone happy. Be the ultimate provider, and if you don't, you're a failure. This kind of conditioning is exactly why this parent of mine struggled with weight. This parent's weight problem was clearly an outward manifestation of inner, psychological pain. This lead to health issues, mainly diabetes, which was this parent's ultimate demise. The people-pleasing thinking and behavior of my past is a direct, unconscious conditioning by this parent. That is perfectly clear to me now.

I can see my thinking and way of behaving as a timeline. I can identify now specific dots on the timeline, moments or incidents that changed or molded my thinking, and as the saying goes, knowing is half the battle. It takes courage and ego strength to turn around from the forward path and look behind us. To look honestly as what kind of wind is filling our sails. A good deal of things we see and what gets exposed when we look are things we'd rather not face or admit to. Some people can face those things easily, some it takes conscious effort, and others never find the strength to do so. I feel sorry for those who never find the strength to do so. For me, the awakening self I described initially, I understand now. I have empathy now. I can forgive now. I can grow away from that horrendous conditioning how. Some of it is beyond horrendous, some of it mildly disturbing. And I should say that not all of it is bad. I can recount just as many wonderful, loving moments as well. All of it has made me who I am.

I've made my peace with the bad and embraced the good. And it's all okay.

Dreams of My Mother

I recently started a blog to catalog and explore my dreams. I'm a extremely vivid dreamer, a frequent lucid dreamer, and I also dream in color. I love to dream and welcome sleep each night so as to begin the night's adventures. I that blog as a way for me to better understand and share what my unconscious mind is wanting me to know. That said, I've been having dreams involving my mother more and more frequently of late. Visit the link to read my dream involving her and to visit previous entries as well. 

Dreams of My Mother

The Exercise of Spiritual Recentering

It's always amazing to me how much a trip to the gym can change my perspective. I've been feeling very hemmed in lately. Some of my friendships have become tiresome, my job has been frustrating, and in general my social life has seemed stagnant and stuck in a loop at best. That's just to name a few of things that feel dissatisfying lately. I realized yesterday that as I'm growing personally, some of my actions are stuck back in my old patterns of thinking and acting.  There's been a bored hopelessness that has crept into my everyday that has been difficult to snap out of. It's been a feeling of being trapped in a misery I can't escape and the resignation that life is always going to be this way; work and sleep, work and sleep. 

Enter my latest visit to the gym. On the treadmill this morning about 4 minutes into my 20-minute Fat Burn program I was flooded with a calm energy. The flow of endorphins created a deeper, more serene sense of "being" that came sharply into focus. The treadmills look west out floor-to-ceiling windows on the the parking lot and beyond that onto a large grove of trees. The morning was rainy and cold, but it was still the most spectacular view. Time and all the anxieties I was experience were being melted away. The endorphins were taking over. I was there in that timeless moment. My body was moving in a harmony of purpose greater than myself or the petty concerns that have been plaguing me. My brain was firing signals to my leg and arm muscles. All the muscle cells were responding with movement. I was literally walking my way out of the emotion and metaphysical trap I had been stuck in recently. All these things that were causing me anxiety and frustration were not how life had to be. There are choices I can make for myself. I can choose to remain frustrated and anxious. Or I can realize that on any journey there are course corrections that come along. I can recenter, refocus.  There is nothing that says I can't. I can use the loop I was stuck in to adjust course and add those lessons to my adjusted direction. In other words, those negative feelings can be teachers and guides. Nothing is static. Nothing is permanent. I can adjust and fine tune the journey any time I choose.