The Happiness of Presence

Just now walking into the gym I was feeling so present and, to be honest, so unencumberedly happy. It wasn’t a bouncy, "leap-around-off-park-benches-in-a-musical" happy. It was a happiness of presence. “I’m here. Right now. In this very moment.”

I realized a good portion of that is from my time off (my company graciously gives us the week between Christmas and New Year's off). Since last Thursday I’ve not been shackled by burdens of my job. No stress, no strain, no mental pretzeling to navigate. For the last five days I’ve done as I pleased when I pleased. I’ve had serious Me Time to head in any direction I choose. Read some, nap some, cook, eat, write, workout, listen to music, spend time with friends, etc. In doing so I’ve formed that perspective of distance I love so much. I’ve been able to see my job for the toxic environment it is and how it intertwines on my psyche and causes discomfort and anxiety. I've realized (even though I knew it already) that no one needs to live that way. It's not worth it.

That kind of presence is true freedom right there!

Being

I always start my day not by asking, "What am I going to do today?" I always start my day by asking, "How am I going to be today?" 

It's surprising what an enormous difference a simple reframing of the question makes.

The Strength of Introverts

 

We're told that quiet is 'boring' and 'loud' is fun."
— Sena Shimotsuma, "The Strengths of Introverts"

If you're an introvert like me, I highly recommend checking out some of Sena Shimotsuma's videos. He's incredibly insightful and has a unique perspective that I appreciate. Click on the image above for the link to his "The Strength of Introverts" video the above quote is from. Enjoy.

Crossroads

There comes a point in every adult's life where he knows he's at a crossroads. He can continue on the same path, but that will only yield the same results. Or he can take the path he knows is a better one, and enjoy new and different results. I came to that crossroad last night and this morning. I know absolutely the path I want and need to be on. Turning away from the other is so much easier when one is self-aware enough to have perspective. 

Brought to You by the Letter C

When Tom Cruise says, "You complete me," in the movie Jerry Maguire it sounds so romantic. He found the love of his life. He's complete now! Not so fast. Nothing could be further from the truth. A friend explained this notion of completeness (what I choose to call wholeness) to me, and it hit me square between the eyes. It's so profound and clear in its simplicity, and once I understood it, my whole perspective changed. It goes like this:

If we are not whole with ourselves we look like the letter "C." We have gaps in our make up.

If we're like Jerry Maguire and we find someone (or something) that we feel makes us whole, we look like this: 

The catch here is we feel whole but we're not. All we've done is fill in the gap with something external and temporary. It's a guarantee that feeling of wholeness will disappear when the novelty of what's filling the gap wears off.

If stop looking outside ourselves for fulfillment and we start looking internally we eventually will look like the letter "O."

We have a sense of wholeness independent of any other factors. Then and only then can we go forward as the whole person we've been trying to be. Pretty simple, huh?
And pretty profound if you ask me.

Perspectives and Pigeon Holes

I love the way a trip can give a person perspective. It's like a reverse microscope. The further one gets away from “life back home,” the details of that life come finer, more intricate, not fuzzier. One can see the individual parts of that life and how they all interact with one another.

That said, I’ve been feeling some anxiety lately. I'm starting nursing school in the fall of this year, and it's been causing a nebulous churning inside me. It’s an uneasiness I’ve been having difficulty identifying and getting my brain around. My recent weekend getaway to San Francisco helped me get perspective though, and I realized some things about myself that helped.

One, I’m a pigeon-holer. I like everything in its own neat, little, organized cubby hole. And if it’s not, that’s where anxiety takes root for me. Facets of a task or some aspect of my life just “hanging out there” unorganized or unassigned to some schedule or framework I’ve devised in my head makes me nervous. Two, I realized I’m not afraid of or nervous about tackling and comprehending the academic aspects of nursing school. I have no doubt or concern about that what so ever.

And there’s where the perspective comes in. Being away from my "home self" for a while, I was able to see my nebulous worry from afar which helped me to observe it objectively and identify its parts. The uneasiness wasn’t the academic challenges ahead. It was the almost impossible schedule I’d created in my head. I was so focused on the how of it all. I kept fretting over how will all the parts of my life (work, school, social, relationships, etc.) interact and fit together. I was so focused on that that I lost sight of appreciating the moment and staying present. My anxiety was stealing my joy and sense of accomplishments thus far in getting to where I'm at.

I realized I can only address what’s in front of me. The parts out of my control are just that, out of my control. The future can’t be organized or pigeon-holed. I can prepare for the future in the here and now, definitely. There is nothing wrong with that. I cannot, however, control my future. Coming to this revelation, understanding that and giving up the senseless frustration of trying to control the future was a revelation and another major step in my growth.

Perspective

How something appears is always a matter of perspective.