A Poverty of Stimulus

Yesterday and last night I was having cell phone trouble. I was able text intermittently but was unable to access the internet or use any of my internet-based apps and unable to make or receive phone calls. Oddly this happened only at home. When I was out and about the phone worked fine. To make the long story short, and after over TWO HOURS trying to fix the problem with my phone's cell service company, it seems the problem is external. They suspect there is something wrong with one of the towers in my area. That would explain why phone calls to and from my home location don’t work.

After that two-hour call I was frustrated. As the evening progressed that frustration began to grow. Not being able to have my drug, to get my fix, having my compulsion denied me started to become anger. There was a point where I literally had no idea what to do with myself. In that moment the realization of my dependence hit me. I'm an addict! A strange feeling of being severed from some sort of hive mind washed over me. All the “other voices” I had come to depend on to entertain and distract me; the apps, the games, the social media; random googling, losing myself down the YouTube rabbit hole had been suddenly silenced. A poverty of stimulus. I felt an odd sense of punishment. I'd been a bad boy somehow and Karma or the Cosmos had banned me from the amusement park. In short, I was jonesing.

It was an odd and very creepy sensation that sense of helplessness. The moment I realized I was in panic-anger-jonesing mode I also realized the moment was an opportunity. I backed away from it and got into my mindfulness mode. The place where I get quiet and recenter. "Removing" myself from the situation and turning inside to those places that calm me. I allowed myself to "return to the breath" as the saying goes. "I'm here. In this place. Right now. I have no say over what is external. I do have a say in how I react. Breathe in. Breathe out. I am here. I am now." This is how I put myself to sleep last night. "Your phone is a thing. It is external. It only affects me if I allow it to. Breathe in. Breathe out." I woke up this morning with a better understanding of my drug use. The choice is mine. I will be controlled only as much as I allow myself to be. I made the promise to myself and the commitment to devote more of my time to the things that give me more genuine pleasure and satisfaction; reading, walking, working out, cooking, time with my dog, etc. 

These are things that matter.

Serenity from Frustration

So yesterday was a really crappy day work-wise. Everything was a fire drill. One job in particular was totally fucked up. I was working on a file from my desktop (standard working procedure) and was told at the eleventh hour that the file I should be working from is online where everyone was working on it in real time. So most of my day's work was for naught. Had I been told that from the beginning a lot of stress and frustration could have been avoided. It was a classic case of miscommunication and no communication at all boogering everything up. I was frustrated, my boss was frustrated, and the mood was basically gloomy because of all this. 

I tell this story for background to something else. Lying in bed this morning I said to myself, "Yesterday is a memory now. Nothing about it is tangible. It can't reach out from the calendar and grab me and pull me back." Then I wondered, "Back from what? Back into what?" It was then I understood my aloud thinking. I had moved beyond letting something in past affect my here and now. It's a new day and what is past is past. It can't influence my mood, if I don't allow it to. I learned a great deal from yesterday about how to more effectively handle similar situations in the future. And that's the only thing from that mess of a day and project I need to carry with me.

It was a great feeling and one of those you feel the serenity and confidence of in your bones. It helps me stay present and in the moment. Right where I should be. Not looking over my shoulder at the past, and not anxious about a future that hasn't happened yet. 

Cheating at Cards and the Timeline of Self Awareness

I had the strangest dream last night about playing a card game called 21. Not the usual 21, though. This involved a random "20" card, almost like a wild Joker card. I was playing with a guy who was cheating. He'd stash the 20 card in his waistline and pull it out to win the hand just at the time when I thought I had him beat. I realized he was cheating when I noticed this enormous wet spot in his crotch. He had pissed himself. "He must really have a huge bladder," I thought to myself in the dream, because his pants were the heavy Carhartt canvas-like material that would be difficult to soak. In the dream I thought to myself he must be nervous about cheating at the card game, otherwise he wouldn't be wetting himself. In my typical fashion, I didn't say anything. I let go of the obvious thing that should be called out as unacceptable. I ignored it, as I always do, in order to not rock the boat or cause trouble. As the card cheating continued and he got more nervous about being discovered the wet spot got bigger and bigger from wetting himself. As his wet spot got bigger I became more frustrated. Not frustrated with his cheating but with my not saying anything. My actions in my dream mirrored my actions in my waking life. I never speak up. I always let things go. I'm always the one to "go along" with everyone else even it makes me unhappy. As long as everyone else is content, my misery, my silent unhappiness is a small price to pay. Waking up I wondered what could this dream mean? What does my personal behavior have to do with a man wetting his pants from cheating at cards?

As quickly as I asked myself the question the answer came to me. The man's growing wet spot was a symbolic "dream challenge" testing the limits of my ability to ignore things that make me unhappy. How long could I accept unacceptable situations sacrificing my own happiness in the process?

In that moment I could clearly see the path from never saying anything, afraid to upset anyone, to the frustration I feel with things. The connection was clear. Suddenly, I could pick out instances all throughout my life where I haven't stood up for my choices or opinions. It was all laid out before me like dots on a timeline. This particular thing in 1972, that incident in 1985, etc. And I could see the product of those dots, how I've arrived here at this present dot on the timeline. I was able not only to see, but also understand, how this has led to the smoldering frustration below the surface I feel most of the time It's been so constant and pervasive for so long I was unaware of it. I couldn't see the forest for the trees.

I've now gone through most of my morning with a new perspective and a sense of empowerment. My vow isn't to do away with this outmoded thinking in one stroke and replace it with some sparkling, brand new mentality. It will take time. Being more consciously aware of when these thoughts and feelings arise in me. Taking them individually, one at a time. Tackling it encounter by encounter, day by day. My happiness and sense of self expects nothing less.