Of Hooks and Shenpas

Via my dear friend Dan.

"PEMA CHÖDRÖN: Someone criticizes you. They criticize your work or your appearance or your child. At moments like that, what is it you feel? It has a familiar taste in your mouth, it has a familiar smell. Once you begin to notice it, you feel like this experience has been happening forever.

The Tibetan word for this is shenpa. It is usually translated “attachment,” but a more descriptive translation might be “hooked.” When shenpa hooks us, we’re likely to get stuck. We could call shenpa “that sticky feeling.” It’s an everyday experience. Even a spot on your new sweater can take you there. At the subtlest level, we feel a tightening, a tensing, a sense of closing down. Then we feel a sense of withdrawing, not wanting to be where we are. That’s the hooked quality. That tight feeling has the power to hook us into self-denigration, blame, anger, jealousy and other emotions which lead to words and actions that end up poisoning us."

Deconditioning and Awakening the Deeper Self

A few weeks ago I started having feelings that there has to be more. Living in the shadow of COVID, the current political climate, mass shootings everywhere, climate change, and now Monkey Pox has me hesitant about so much. I've had a good many opportunities lately that when I'm honest with myself don't really interest me. For instance, I've had the chance to meet some very interesting and nice guys, but I can't get my interest to rev up in genuine ways. I'm not really interested to meet anyone new and not much interested in even a casual FWB. I want to be, but deep down inside the spirit just isn't there. I see guys out there meeting, fucking, meeting, and fucking and I wish so much I could be like them. Yet with everything going on in the world, I can't figure out how to get past my spiritual wounds. I'm jealous and wary, and I don't want to be either. This leaves me with an emptiness, a feeling like there has to be more. This can't be all there is. What in the world does "it" all mean? I feel I'm searching for something and looking in the wrong places. I see so many going through life just going through the motions. They don't feel. They don't seem to be self-aware. It feels to me like they're all looking externally for satisfaction and happiness.

All this has made for a very strange yet eye-opening morning for me. I fully realize the world is changing dramatically on a global level and on a "personal world" level as well. I'm full aware of the changes occurring both externally and internally. Each day lately it seems I'm uncovering more about myself. Falsehoods I've spent a life believing and letting control me. People, places, and things I can do without. I'm fully aware that I'm in the midst of some type of spiritual culling. It leaves me feeling empty. I've created a void in doing this and now there's a hole that is asking to be filled. Not an addiction hole, but a spiritual one.

What I believed were some of my truths I'm discovering were not at all. They weren't solid and grounded. It was all false ideas conditioned into me either by myself or others. It is, however, a nice place to be right now. All at once it's exhilarating to be able to recognize and purge. It's also a little frightening to be out on this ledge, so to speak. It's also a little deflating and depressing, realizing the enormity of this massive reevaluation and reorganization. I have this sense of being left holding an empty bag again. I recognize that this can also be very positive. I get to choose how to fill the bag this time. The filling isn't dictated by anyone else. It's not conditioning I was raised to believe in. That's the where the empty feeling comes in. It borders on being directionless. I realize this moment can spin either positive or negative. I have to be self-aware enough about what's going on to make sure past beliefs and behaviors don't manifest in a different disguise. I can the bag with worthwhile things; mindfulness, meditation, more self-awareness, a deeper love of my essence and spirit and how that translates externally. More "adult" things that I can carry with confidence and pride from what is the wrapping up of my Second Act and into my Third.

Song of Myself

I believe a leaf of grass is no less than the journeywork of the stars,
And the pismire is equally perfect, and a grain of sand, and the egg of the wren,
And the tree-toad is a chef-d’oeuvre for the highest,
And the running blackberry would adorn the parlors of heaven,
And the narrowest hinge in my hand puts to scorn all machinery,
And the cow crunching with depress’d head surpasses any statue,
And a mouse is miracle enough to stagger sextillions of infidels.”
― Walt Whitman, Song of Myself, 31

The Beauty of Simplicity

My friend Dan posted this quote this morning on Facebook:

"There is hidden beauty in the ordinary, and great beauty in the overlooked. Little things are big, less is more. Imperfection is beautiful. Paradoxes such as these fascinate me."
— Abby Ross

Isn't that the truth! He and I have had these kinds of conversations more than once. Coffee in my favorite chair in the quiet of the morning as the sun is coming up is one of my favorite simplicities. No cars yet. No noise. No work. No squawking news. Just coffee, me, and the sunrise. When you get into and/or achieve that mindset, the ordinary world around takes on profound beauty. A bee moving from flower to flower, trees rustling in the wind, rain on the pavement; they all let us know we're part of something incredibly larger and uncomplicated. That's the beauty part, if we understand how to recognize it, embrace it, and let it embrace us.

Cosmic Comfort

With all the James Webb excitement this week I've been thinking. What if someday we did receive messages from another civilization somewhere in the galaxy? Sadly they'd be too far away to communicate in real time with. And that's okay, I think. In an odd way knowing we could never meet but finally knowing we aren't alone, and that there are other beings out there just as curious as we are is comfort enough.

The Respect of the Universe

One of the James Webb telescope's images is this one (left.) In this picture the galaxy in the blue circle is 2 billion light years away. If you traveled the speed of light, it would take you 2 billion years to get there. You'd actually never get there. That image is where the galaxy was 2 billion years ago. If you started now you'd have to travel double that speed. In other words, we will never know what's going on over there in our neighbor's house. There may not even be anyone home, but that's doubtful.

And this telescope captured an image so clear and precise you can see the individual spiral arms of it (right.) I'm an Atheist. I do not believe in God or any sort of supernatural higher power. I'm also a science lover and my profound sense of awe and wonder in these images comes from an empirical data perspective.

Others are quite different. Their sense of awe and wonder come from a religious perspective. Who would I be to criticize that or attempt to steal their joy of this moment simply because we believe differently?

That said, this must be a moment where we all look out to the universe together in the same wonder and awe regardless of religion or beliefs. Jewish, Muslim, Christian, Agnostic, Atheist, and so many more, those are simply layers on top of the core sense of wonder. I stand in the Cosmos in the same stature as gas giants, comets, quasars, black holes, sparrows, dandelions, nebulae, other forms of life in other galaxies, and dark matter. We are all children of the universe. 

I for one will respect another's wonder as I would hope they would respect mine. Our reverence of our universe is the same.

Ego Strength

I've finally assembled several pieces of my self-work together into a smoldering of sorts revelation It's not a James Joyce Flash of Epiphany, although sometimes they do happen to me that way. This is just sitting back and relaxing enough to allow the pieces to assemble themselves. Watching it fold into my ever-evolving self is an aspect self-awareness that is a joy to observe. That said...

My latest revelatory thought is that I can't be around folks with little to no ego strength. The APA Dictionary of Psychology defines ego strength as:

"...the ability of the ego to maintain an effective balance between the inner impulses of the id, the superego, and outer reality. An individual with a strong ego is thus one who is able to tolerate frustration and stress, postpone gratification, modify selfish desires when necessary, and resolve internal conflicts and emotional problems before they lead to neurosis."

My definition is much simpler. Ego strength is being able to exist in a situation that isn't always be about me. Having the self-confidence to ask how someone's day was without being disappointed if they don't ask me in return. Being interested in someone's work, hobby, a moment in their personal life, how the other person's family is, and especially having a deep
enough sense of self to apologize sincerely when wrong. In order to receive we must give. And paradoxically the more we give the more we receive. 

People with ego strength know when it's about them, and know when it's not. When you know what it is and have it, ego strength is one of the most centering, grounding things there is. And you can immediately recognize those that don't have it. And you can especially recognize those that fake it. Once you have this revelation, this sense of authenticity, there's no turning it off for convenience. You literally see the world in a completely different way. And it's liberating.