Ego Strength

I've finally assembled several pieces of my self-work together into a smoldering of sorts revelation It's not a James Joyce Flash of Epiphany, although sometimes they do happen to me that way. This is just sitting back and relaxing enough to allow the pieces to assemble themselves. Watching it fold into my ever-evolving self is an aspect self-awareness that is a joy to observe. That said...

My latest revelatory thought is that I can't be around folks with little to no ego strength. The APA Dictionary of Psychology defines ego strength as:

"...the ability of the ego to maintain an effective balance between the inner impulses of the id, the superego, and outer reality. An individual with a strong ego is thus one who is able to tolerate frustration and stress, postpone gratification, modify selfish desires when necessary, and resolve internal conflicts and emotional problems before they lead to neurosis."

My definition is much simpler. Ego strength is being able to exist in a situation that isn't always be about me. Having the self-confidence to ask how someone's day was without being disappointed if they don't ask me in return. Being interested in someone's work, hobby, a moment in their personal life, how the other person's family is, and especially having a deep
enough sense of self to apologize sincerely when wrong. In order to receive we must give. And paradoxically the more we give the more we receive. 

People with ego strength know when it's about them, and know when it's not. When you know what it is and have it, ego strength is one of the most centering, grounding things there is. And you can immediately recognize those that don't have it. And you can especially recognize those that fake it. Once you have this revelation, this sense of authenticity, there's no turning it off for convenience. You literally see the world in a completely different way. And it's liberating. 

The Bankruptcy of Ego

I've come to realize there are those out there whose ego will bankrupt them. I'm not talking about just financial bankruptcy, either. It also includes emotional and spiritual bankruptcy. Case in point: A friend just extended the lease on his car for another six months until February 2022. In the meantime he'll be shopping for another car. No problem you say? Well, he told me yesterday that if he finds one he likes, he'll just have to make double payments for a few months. Whaaaaaat?! And it can't be a nice used car either, mind you. It has to be a new car. So in order to feed his ego he's going to be making lease payments on one car while making another set of payments on another car he simply has to have. 

I honestly feel sorry for people like this. Their ego is holding them hostage and they can't even see it. I'm two things primarily: a minimalist and a "slow and steady wins the race" person. I don't want what I don't have. My furniture isn't from a high-end store. My clothes are mostly from Target, I shop for groceries at a small locally-owned grocery at the end of my block (they have TONS of incredible fruit and produce, some things I've never seen before!) and the prices are very cheap. I also believe in a steady pace through life. I quietly and methodically let my savings grow. I put a certain amount in savings each Sunday, and any time I get a raise, a portion of the difference in pay either goes to my retirement fund or my savings account. Slowly and steadily I'm planning for my retirement. I don't live a flashy lifestyle, nor would I want to. I am so content being in my home on a Saturday night with my Frenchie Rufus, a nice drink, a good book, good food, and good music. Simple pleasures. 

So when I see people trying so hard to jump through the hoops their egos have constructed for them I back away. It's like coming upon a skyscraper on fire. I simply turn down a different street and avoid all that chaos and drama lest I become a part of the situation. Life is much better and simpler that way. 

The Mindfulness of the Wrong Shoes

I just had a good lesson in mindfulness, the Snowball Effect, compartmentalization, and gratitude.

I ordered a cool pair of shoes about a month ago and my normal shoe size wasn’t right for these shoes. I need two sizes bigger for a proper fit. I immediately sank into an all-encompassing despair that went from, “Damn. The wrong size!" to "Why can’t anything ever work out right for me?!” and the image of me as an old man living in some broken down apartment looking back on a life filled with bitter regret and missed opportunities. Funny, huh? 

For starters, I immediately realized I’m grateful for that moment. It reminded me that mindfulness is not about perfection. Nor is it any sort of acceptance of struggle, putting a smiley face on unhappiness. One can be the most mindful, calm, and accepting person in the world and it’s still okay to be upset and disappointed sometimes. Even about the size of a pair of shoes. It doesn’t mean I’m less mindful or I’ve failed some cosmic test of temperament. "Oops. You got mad about something trivial. You should've known better! We're going to have to take your Mindfulness Merit Badge away." It means I’m human, just like everyone else.

Second, the wrong shoes has absolutely nothing to do with the rest of my life. They are not partners out to "get me." The wrong shoe size isn't an omen for the rest of my existence. The wrong size shoes doesn't mean a lonely and bitter Third Act. That’s all internal programming from the past. It’s that record the ego puts on the turntable any chance it gets to play the same song over and over. It's the ego's way of tricking me to staying in place, right where it wants me.

Which brings me to the gratitude part. In the midst of a deadly pandemic I’m losing my shit over a pair of shoes?! There are people in hospital rooms in this COVID crisis fighting for every breath alone with no family to hold their hand, no spouse to comfort them in their final moments, and I'm complaining about shoes. How dare I. There are families in this crisis who don't know where their next meal will come from or how they're going to survive. Literally. I need to remember this. I need to be quiet and be still. I need to keep this lesson close and remember it as I move step by mindful step forward in a humble and grateful fashion. 

Ego

Recently I had an incident that I recoiled from. Someone had offered to help me with a situation. I had to stop and think about it for a bit. Why did I get defensive at the offer of assistance. This morning at the gym it became clear to me. What I found was that my ego was getting in the way. It wouldn't let me admit that this was something that I could use advice and assistance with. It was too proud, which led to deeper stubbornness. 

Realizing this was another giant leap in my path of mindfulness and nonattachment. I became aware of, and fascinated, by the process of recognizing ego and its clever ways of keeping me stagnant in old thinking and behavior. Once I stripped away the hard outer shell ego had constructed I was able to see the truth of things. The situation then became immediately understood.
Some lessons come with time, patience, and hard work/attention. And more times than not, they come in eye-opening flashes of revelation and understanding. It made me grasp more fully the workings of the ego and its defensiveness and insecurity.

In This Time of Uncertainty

In this chaotic and unsure moment of presidential power versus constitutionality and the guarantee that the United States is a nation of laws and not men I've thought a good deal about mindfulness and nonattachment. How do they fit in? Where is their place? How do we use them to make sense of, and employ them as a protest of the current situation? In my thinking I realized I've been operating under the notion that mindfulness and nonattachment equate passivity. They are not a surrender to events or a retreat into the self as protection against the elements. Much to the contrary. Mindfulness is not appeasement. Nonattachment is not indifference. They are weapons against fear that cannot be crippled by executive order. They cannot be barred at airport entry gates. They cannot be taken in the night be jack-booted thugs. They cannot be legislated away by a woefully ignorant, chickenhearted political party. Mindfulness and nonattachment are larger and more powerful than the pettiness of ego and narcissism. For these reasons they must be employed to their fullest potential now more than ever.

Apologizing

"Apologizing doesn't always mean that you're wrong & the other person is right. It just means you value your relationship more than your ego."
— Timber Hawkeye, Buddhist Boot Camp