A Message

Oh, to live long enough to hear we've received a message from another race in the cosmos. To finally know for certain in the vast universe that we are not alone would comfort me. Even though the likelihood of us ever meeting would be next to nil, to know there are intelligent beings just as curious if we're out there as we are if they are.

That would be enough for me.

Mattering

I went to a birthday party last night. I had a couple cocktails, a gummy, saw lots of friends, sang happy birthday, and ate some really good food. You know what though? There’s a lot of the evening I feel I’ve outgrown. Yes, it was fun but being home comfortable and safe in my space would have been just as fun.

There are a good many things I find infinitely fulfilling; taking a walk, reading, listening to music, enjoying the companionship of my dog, the list goes on. These things touch a place in me where meaning and purpose flow from. I feel these things resonate there, spill out, and flood my essence. It anchors me in the moment with a deep, mindful, and self-aware joy. I’m not certain many others, if any, at that party last night feel or could understand that. The problems and frustrations of the day are all temporary matters. They are not constructions of the universe. They are complications we've designed to help us feel like we matter. The thing is we already do. Most don't slow down long enough to feel it all welling up from within themselves.

Moving through life aware of my own finiteness comforts me. I know the day will come when I cease to be and I will return from where I came. Knowing that as tiny as I am in the cosmos I played a part and I mattered. It wasn't my credit score, how much debt I amassed, what kind of car I drove, how big my house was, or how much money I had in my checking account. When the time comes it will be that I was self-aware enough to know simply being here mattered.

Storm of Connections

For the last two hours Rufus (my constant French Bulldog companion) and I have been in the midst of tornado warnings, thunderstorm warnings, lightning, high winds, and possible hail. As I watched the local meteorology team track the storm and give updates, "We now have confirmation of a tornado on the ground..." I could feel the not-so-subtle tap on the shoulder reminding us that we are, indeed, not in charge. Experiencing Nature's power, however, I was overcome by an odd sense of comfort. It made me feel connected and extremely present. Each lightning flash was a millisecond in time that I understood could be split into infinite slivers, an eternity of awe and humility in the wink of an eye. Thunder rumbling its way into my chest making me feel aware and expansive.

Now the storm has passed, it's silent, and I feel exhausted from the experience. That level of bombardment on the essence can be draining. But in that state I feel a lot has been stripped away and I'm left with a kind of kinship that vibrates in me deeply. It's a curious mutual respect that I'm still trying to process.  

Lessons in Happiness

I went to what was hands-down the strangest wedding and reception last night. For starters it was a combination wedding/reception/baby shower. The groom was the brother of one of my closest friends. They’d already had a baby and been married in a courthouse ceremony but wanted the “official” thing, so it was kind of a redo, more for the mother of the bride's sake, I suspect.

Friends at my table kind of heckled the whole thing as a little “lower”. The carafes of wine at the tables were suspect, looking more like a strange rosé Kool-Aid. The open bar was bizarrely stocked. No bourbon just scotch, several bottles grenadine, rums I'd never heard of, and no lemons, only limes. The bar was supposed to be open from 7 - 11pm, but the bartender kept telling us, "Not yet!" The silverware was mismatched. The dinnerware was standard cafeteria issue. It was Mystery Meat Night with what I think was boneless chicken breasts and some sort of paper-thin Salisbury Steak’ish kind of thing. The mashed potatoes clearly came from a box, and the salad was a weird concoction with Lima beans and pigeon peas. After dinner the DJ got going with 80s music and a smoke machine that turned the reception into a weird retro-80s gay bar vibe. The entire thing, start to finish, from the front door to the back was what some people would politely call "tacky".

The entire evening though, I watched the room. Observing, I realized everyone there was truly happy. The bride and groom were all smiles, their parents were completely in their element, and everyone was dancing, laughing, drinking, taking pictures, shuffling around tables to visit, etc. Everyone was present and very much in the moment. No one there gave two shits about what the beef dish was supposed to be, if the silverware matched, or that the plates weren't fine china. It simply didn't matter. That's not what the evening was about. It was about all the individual joys of the evening and the collective joy of the room.

The evening was a tremendous life lesson about what genuine and unconditioned happiness is. I came home last night feeling uplifted, having had the time of my life, and I went to bed feeling like I get "it” just a bit more than I did before.

Birthday Thoughts

Today is my birthday. I'm 59 today and so begins the last year of my 50s. I suppose it freaks some people out, but I welcome it. A friend said to me recently that his 50s is when he "got it" and I have to agree. My 50s were the final scene of Act II. Next year will be Act III, Scene 1 and I'm looking very forward to it.

Last year, and even more so this year, I’m discovering something about birthdays as I age. I don’t need to be feted with huge parties, enormous cakes, or showered with gifts. Like last year, I took the day off as a day to spend on some really good Me Time. I woke up early today to my usual 5a-5.30am coffee, I went to the gym, and came home to my furry companion Rufus. He's been extra attentive today and I can't help but think he knows today is something a little more special than all the other days. We took a great walk around the "Big Block" and I found myself more present and grateful than usual. My spirit is untroubled and unhurried. I’ll spend the remainder of the day reading, playing with the dog, and just appreciating being here. I've thought today about some of my friends who didn't make it this far. I can't help but feel a sense of responsibility to them. To live my life as fully as possible and for myself and for them. To let their spirit live vicariously in me. To keep them close in my thoughts and heart. As I age I'm more appreciative of these things. They're far more precious and rewarding than any physical gift I could receive. 

This entry's image was AI-generated.  

The Eternal Morning

Rising before dawn is one of my most intimate joys. Sometimes those mornings seem eternal. The sunrise is a little slower. The coffee goes down just a tad more deliciously. The dog’s snoring a little more comforting. Every sound my 104-year old apartment makes is some sort of joyful, secret whisper. The world seems a little quieter outside. It’s mornings like that I feel hyper present, in tune with and touching every slight nuance of everything.

This entry's image was AI-generated.  

Sensible and Balanced

A few days ago my friend Dan said I was "...sensible and balanced, as always," in response to a comment I'd made about my work ethic. I kept coming back to what he said for several days and came to some realizations. As probably a lot of people do, I realized that I walk around some days thinking I'm not as sensible and balanced as everyone else. We constantly compare ourselves, almost unconsciously, to others. That applies to sensible and balanced, as well. We try to be those things based on how we see it supposedly in others. We're comparing our authenticity to a carefully crafted façade. We're gauging our truths on the false projections others want us to see. It's part of that weird conditioning society has put on us. We walk around thinking we've somehow not lived up to "the standard" if we don't have or do certain things in a certain way. This is categorically false. Being sensible and balanced helps me see that and as my friend Dan said, "...which isn't always comfortable." Indeed.

This entry's image was AI-generated.  

Before It's Too Late...

"We have lived by the assumption that what was good for us would be good for the world. And this has been based on the even flimsier assumption that we could know with any certainty what was good even for us. We have fulfilled the danger of this by making our personal pride and greed the standard of our behavior toward the world - to the incalculable disadvantage of the world and every living thing in it. And now, perhaps very close to too late, our great error has become clear...We must change our lives, so that it will be possible to live by the contrary assumption that what is good for the world will be good for us. And that requires that we make the effort to know the world and to learn what is good for it."
— Wendell Berry

Image: "There Came a Wind" by Phil Koch

The Comfort of Mindfulness

In bed this morning around 5am I rolled over and pulled the covers up high. I was warm and snuggled in and I felt rested, not only in body but mind. I felt completely unencumbered by anything and a nice phrase came to mind: Comfortable in my mindfulness. It’s the cozy, snuggled-up feeling you get when you know you’re wrapped up in safe and sound in your sense of self, mindfulness, and presence.

This entry's image was AI-generated.  

Deeper Meaning in the New Year

On these first few days of 2024 I'm being flooded with all sorts of different emotions. I can be sad one moment then hopeful the next. Through it all there's a sense of a deeper self trying to touch something. Something "more," something more deeply meaningful. It feels like something I've been in communion with before but my current self has lost its way from it and is trying to return to it. I get the sense that whatever this "it" is, it's expansive. I can at moments feel myself a part of it. In a flash of an instant I can feel myself everywhere and part of everything. 

I went to a friend's house for a small New Year's Eve gathering, but I'm feeling unfulfilled from the experience. I felt as if I belonged somewhere else that night. Marking the passage into another year feels like something that should be done outdoors beneath the expanse of the sky and the Universe. Noisemakers, funny hats, and glasses of champagne feel trivial and insulting to what the moment truly means and is. Somehow it seems cheapened by the way we celebrate it. When I imagine celebrating I picture myself alone on a beach or in an open field being one with my surroundings. The sky and nature spread before me, offering itself to me as I am to it.  

There is something more I'm meant for. I feel it as true as anything in my heart and soul. I don't have very long on this planet. None of us do. I need to connect and find the deeper thing or things I'm trying to connect to. I don't know what "it" is, but I know it's there. I feel it calling me through my kenshō moments, the dream snippets I have that take me other places, and the flashes I have of being someone totally different in scenarios I know I've not experienced as the person I am now. I've come to believe that a lot of my actions are me trying to get there, but the actions are misdirected. I've been using the wrong things to accomplish the right goals. 

Interestingly, this all comes back yet again to the strange yet comforting feeling of a need to pull away from certain people, places, and things (PPTs) even more. I can feel my deeper, inner self wanting for something “more.” Some more meaningful thing that the “superficial” world can’t provide. An almost indescribable feeling of my inner essence self needing to commune more deeply with the authentic and shun the superficial. I sense it to be some sort of larger current I should be swimming in that has larger and deeper harmonies. It’s almost clear in flashes of understanding that some activities of my past (drinking, smoking, sex, indulging in food, etc, etc) were attempts of the “surface self” to capture that harmony. These, as my friend Dan says are nothing more than red herrings. Incorrect activities for the correct sensation, so to speak. 

As he has said, "I think when we're in a heightened state of awareness, we are especially susceptible to the negative influences of others. We need to keep our distance." He is so correct and I would add "other things" to that statement as well. I think being more of an empath than the average person is what causes some of that. I see under the surface of things much more than most people. I don’t just skim the surface like they do. I can "feel" the more, and that's what calls me. 

I'm finding more and more anything that stimulates my brain, the endorphins, or other "feel good" hormones is worth the effort. That excludes things like drugs and alcohol of course. Those are false arousals of the mind. They do more damage than the temporary euphoria most mistake for the real thing. My friend Dan refers to them as "wonders inisde." An interesting and most accurate phrase. I find the internal journeys are much more fun. Sleep and dreams are good examples. Some evenings I can't wait to get to bed so I can start dreaming. And moving throughout the next day with the influence of those dreams on my mood and outlook feels incredible. It's like I've been able to shed the skin of mundane traps of an everyday, ho hum existence and walk within a new, deeper perspective that nourishes my deepest inner self. 

Maybe that's what this is exactly all about. Finding clarity of mind more stimulating than anything else. Putting my mind to work in true and meaningful ways it enjoys. 

This entry's image was AI-generated.