Starting the Day

I was lying in bed around 5.45am and was having dreadful thoughts about my day today. I stopped and thought for a moment. I scanned my day to figure out what was causing it and I realized what it was. Absolutely nothing. I had not one thing to feel negative or dreadful about for the day ahead. Before my feet even met the floor my head was creating a dreadful day. In fact, I realized I had every reason to have a very good day. No challenges would be permanent. Situations would only be negative if chose to spin them that way. I understood right then and there how if we’re not conscious of it and present in it each moment is defined by some past regret or we’ve projected out into the undefined future. That unconscious need for constant negative bias is fascinating.

The Joy of Hyperpresence

This morning I'm flooded with an overwhelming sense of calm and place. It's a feeling of "I am RIGHT HERE. I'm in THIS MOMENT." There's nothing ahead to be anxious about, and the past isn't something regrettable. It's just lessons to be assimilated. It's a kind of hyper reality and sense of deep satisfaction. I don't have the biggest place, the fanciest car, the most expensive stuff, and I'm not famous or rich. But I'm right here, right now, and I'm fantastically content feeling me feet firmly and serenely planted in the moment. It's a term I call "hyperpresence."

Temporal Compression

"I had been experiencing a temporal compression, attempting to live the past, present, and future all at the same time. The lines were blurred.

When I visit the past now, it is for wisdom and experience, not for regret or shame. I don't attempt to erase it, only to accept it. Whatever my physical circumstances are today, I deal with them and remain present. If I fall, I will rise up. As for the future, I haven't been there yet. I only know that I have one. Until I don't. The last thing we run out of is the future."

– Michael J. Fox, "No Time Like the Future - An Optimist Considers Mortality"

Third Act Wisdom

“When I talk about figuring out my Third Act I'm not talking about making plans. I'm talking about being disciplined enough to learn what my past has to teach me, brave enough to take those lessons into my heart, to own them, and commit myself to doing what is necessary to make them a part of my future.”
— Jane Fonda, “My Life So Far”

Perspectives and Pigeon Holes

I love the way a trip can give a person perspective. It's like a reverse microscope. The further one gets away from “life back home,” the details of that life come finer, more intricate, not fuzzier. One can see the individual parts of that life and how they all interact with one another.

That said, I’ve been feeling some anxiety lately. I'm starting nursing school in the fall of this year, and it's been causing a nebulous churning inside me. It’s an uneasiness I’ve been having difficulty identifying and getting my brain around. My recent weekend getaway to San Francisco helped me get perspective though, and I realized some things about myself that helped.

One, I’m a pigeon-holer. I like everything in its own neat, little, organized cubby hole. And if it’s not, that’s where anxiety takes root for me. Facets of a task or some aspect of my life just “hanging out there” unorganized or unassigned to some schedule or framework I’ve devised in my head makes me nervous. Two, I realized I’m not afraid of or nervous about tackling and comprehending the academic aspects of nursing school. I have no doubt or concern about that what so ever.

And there’s where the perspective comes in. Being away from my "home self" for a while, I was able to see my nebulous worry from afar which helped me to observe it objectively and identify its parts. The uneasiness wasn’t the academic challenges ahead. It was the almost impossible schedule I’d created in my head. I was so focused on the how of it all. I kept fretting over how will all the parts of my life (work, school, social, relationships, etc.) interact and fit together. I was so focused on that that I lost sight of appreciating the moment and staying present. My anxiety was stealing my joy and sense of accomplishments thus far in getting to where I'm at.

I realized I can only address what’s in front of me. The parts out of my control are just that, out of my control. The future can’t be organized or pigeon-holed. I can prepare for the future in the here and now, definitely. There is nothing wrong with that. I cannot, however, control my future. Coming to this revelation, understanding that and giving up the senseless frustration of trying to control the future was a revelation and another major step in my growth.

Mindfulness

"When the Buddha was asked, 'Sir, what do you and your monks practice?' he replied, 'We sit. We walk, and we eat.' The questioner continued, 'But Sir, everyone sits, walks and eats.' And the Buddha told him, 'When we sit we know we are sitting. When we walk, we know we are walking. When we eat, we know we are eating.' 
Most of the time we are lost in the past, or carried away by future projects and concerns. When we are mindful, touching deeply the present moment, we can see and listen deeply, and the fruits are always understanding, acceptance, love and the desire to relieve suffering and bring joy."
— Thich Nhat Hanh, Living Buddha, Living Christ